


Don't Panic! Run Away

by way1203



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Early Panic!, F/M, Homelessness, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mibba Transfer, Past Rape/Non-con, Post Brent, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Ryan is a bit of a jerk at first, Spencer Saves the Day, Touring
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2008-03-02
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 09:55:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 31,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13761663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/way1203/pseuds/way1203
Summary: After protecting a homeless girl, Spencer takes her in to live with him and the rest of Panic!. All is good until, of course, her secrets find their way to the surface. - Mibba transfer from 2006.





	1. Park Bench

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written back in 2007/2008/2009 on Mibba. Transfering here for safekeeping and for possible continuation/rewriting. I wrote this in high school, I was younger, more naive, and there are some problematic comments, cringe areas, etc. With that in mind, carry on.

_He raised the beer bottle to his lips, swallowing the last ounce before he hurled it at the wall where she was standing. I watched from the hallway. I was supposed to be in my room, but I never listened. Not when things were like this. She caught my eye and mouthed something I couldn't make out._

_He turned to look at me, "What are you doing out?"_

_I stood frozen, speechless._

_"You're a little bitch! Just like her. I'll deal with you later!" He faced her. "Did you tell her to come in here?"_

_She shook her head. She looked like a rabbit cornered by a hungry wolf._

_"You told her didn't you? Didn't you?!"_

_I watched him grab her body, his finger gripping her shoulders. He pinned her to the wall, just like he used to do with me. She caught my horrified eyes again and spoke this time._

_"Save yourself."_

I opened my eyes and sat up, the sun beginning to hit me in my eyes. Another nightmare, another sturdy park bench to have it on. The sun rise woke me up for the fourth morning this week. I couldn't remember the last time I was able to get a peaceful night's rest. I was always moving.

I had to keep moving if I didn't want to be caught.

I sat up, my eyes drifting downward to my shoes. They were old. Dingy, laces knotted, canvas punctured old. I finger combed my oily hair with a sigh.

'Another day,' I thought. 'Hopefully things will get better.'

Not likely. I've told myself that every day for three months and nothing has gotten better. If anything, it's gotten worse. I pulled my black jacket around my body, my legs taking me away from the park. I felt my stomach growl and sighed. I didn't have the money for food.

Hell, I didn't have any money.

I always thought about stealing but I never had the guts to pull it off. Instead, I'd wait outside of restaurant dumpsters and take my pick of uneaten food. My legs led me into a shallow alley way. This alley had the best leftovers.

"Where do you think you're going?"

The voice took me so off guard, that I figured it was a cop. I turned around and instantly regretted it. A man with dark eyes and medium length hair pushed me against the wall.

"What's a pretty little thing like you doing in an alley like this?"

His lips were uncomfortably close to mine. I went to move away but he was quicker than I was. His placed his hands around my wrists pinning them above my head.

The only thing I could think of doing was screaming. It was the only thing I was ever told I was good at. Well that, and lying on my back.

"Help!"

He slapped his filthy hand over my mouth. I wanted to kick him, I wanted to push him away but I was too weak. I felt one of his hands touch my body. I screamed in my head. _Not again._ I closed my eyes. I wanted to scream again, but it never came. Instead, someone else yelled for me.

" **Hey**!"


	2. Spencer

Both my and my attacker's heads snapped to the right, his hand moving away from my mouth. A man who yelled stood at the alley's entrance, he was tall and I couldn't make out his face, or any feature of him for that matter. I didn't want to. All that mattered was that he had possibly saved me from being attacked by a creeper.

"What are you doing to her?" My savior questioned.

My attacker pushed himself against me, a smile growing on his lips, "I'm just getting to know her."

"Get away from her, or I'll call the cops," He whipped out a sleek cell phone. "I bet they'll _love_ to get to know you."

I took steady breaths, praying silently in my head that my attacker would leave. I got my wish, he pushed me causing my face to scrape against the brick wall. I watched him back away from me slowly, his hands shaking. I was able to get a better look at him and figured he was probably a druggy. Then, he ran, his footstep clopping down the street, leaving me and my savior alone in the alley. I closed my eyes. My face had to have been scraped badly, I could feel blood trickling down my cheek.

"Are you alright?"

I could hear the footsteps of my savior drawing closer. I felt him touch my shoulder.

"Hey, can you hear me?"

When I opened my eyes, I was met with a pair of soft blue ones. I looked him over a few times. From his crouched position, he seemed really tall. His dark brown hair was shaggy yet cropped with swoop bangs that fell over his right eye. His cheeks were full, his body slightly chubby, like baby weight. I looked back in his eyes. He touched my cheek and I pulled away from his hand.

"You can trust me," He half-smiled. "I'm Spencer."

Spencer outstretched his hand and I took it. Once I was on my feet, I brushed off my worn jeans and began to walk away.

"Hey!"

I turned around to find Spencer staring at me, his eyebrows kitted upward. I zipped up my jacket, hoping he didn't see the holes in the shirt I had on underneath it. "Yes?"

"What's your name?" Spencer asked.

I bit my lips, before whispering, "Natalie."

"Okay, Natalie. How about I walk you home. Where do you live?"

I admired his offer but I didn't have a home to go to. Well, I did, but I didn't want to go back there. I couldn't go back there. I put on a smile and nodded.

"Sure," I agreed. "I live over by Dexter park."

"Oh! That's not far from here. Let's go."

Spencer walked up to me, nodding his head towards the street. We walked next to each other, his hands stuffed in his pockets, my arms wrapped around my waist. I felt horrible. I failed to mention the fact that I'd been living _in_ Dexter park, not near it, for two days.

"Thanks for helping me," I glanced up at him. "You didn't have to."

He looked down at me, "Yes I did. You were being hurt."

I said nothing more about the issue, my feet carrying me down the sidewalk next to him.

"So…"

"So what?" I blinked.

Spencer stopped walking, "We're here."

My head snapped up and my heart sank. We were standing in front of the park bench were I slept last night.

"Where's your house from here?" Spencer asked. "Like, which neighborhood?"

I sat down on the bench. He was looking at me expectantly and it was killing me. I pulled my knees toward my chest, staring at my jeans. This was my neighborhood, this was my house.

Spencer's face dropped, "You do have a home, right?"

I guess it was time for the truth to come out right? Time to get ready to live in a women's shelter. I took a deep breath through my nose.

I shook my head, "No, I don't."


	3. Bargaining

Spencer's eyes grew so wide that I thought that they were going to pop out of his skull. He sat down next to me, staring straightforward; he didn't even look at me out of the corner of his eye. I felt so low. I began to regret telling him, I shouldn't have said anything.

"So, you're homeless."

Spencer still wasn't looking at me. I ran a hand through my hair before bowing my head, allowing it to cover either side my face. I didn't want him to look at me from the side. Truthfully, I didn't want to look at him.

I sighed, "Not exactly. I have a home but..."

"But what?"

I could feel Spencer staring me down, waiting for my answer. I swallowed a lump in my throat, "I can't go back there."

"Why, Natalie?" Spencer pressed.

"Because, Spencer, I can't. I can't live in that environment anymore. I can't live like that, I can't constantly live in fear."

"In fear of what?"

I was really getting sick of the questions I didn't want to answer. I couldn't answer. I was already pushing it letting this total stranger get to know everything about me after I let him save me. I put my legs down and stared forward at a woman wearing a harlequin costume who was doing cartwheels and flips. She reminded me of a Cirque du Solei girl.

Vegas was never boring, even in the morning.

"In fear of what, Natalie?"

Spencer's voice broke through my thoughts as I turned my head. I blinked, "It's not important. Look, Spencer, thanks for saving me from rape and all, but I really should be going. I can't stay in one place for too long."

I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear and headed down the sidewalk. Away from Spencer, away from the trees, towards the park entrance. It wasn't long before I heard quick footsteps behind me.

"Wait up!"

I didn't have to turn around to know that it was him.

"What are you, like a stalker or something? Do you enjoy preying on women? You know, walking through the park hoping to come across a lonely girl, you walk them home and then bam! - you've got them?"

"Natalie, why don't you come home with me?" Spencer suggested.

That comment reinforced my stalker idea. I stopped in my tracks and turned around, disgust filling my face. My eyes narrowed, "Excuse me?"

"Not like that!" Spencer corrected. "I mean would you like to live with me? I live in a house with a few of my friends. If you don't mind the smell we give off, you're welcome to stay. We've got an extra room."

I didn't know what to think about that. Part of me was happy and wanted to say 'yes', the other part of me wanted to run.

"I'm not your charity case."

"I just want to help you-"

"Because I'm a charity case," I finished. "You help me and then you wake up in the morning feeling better about your life choices."

Spencer sighed. "Look, Natalie, I don't want you to be here living on the streets of Vegas. It's not safe for a girl like you. You could be taken into prostitution, or used by drug dealers, and as we both saw earlier, you could be taken advantage of so easily."

"You don't have to worry about that. I've been taken advantage of for the past few years," I said bitterly.

Spencer looked taken aback again before he continued to press the issue. "Please let me help you. You remind me of my sisters, I can’t leave you here cause I wouldn’t leave them here. I mean, I have to take you somewhere and, you don't strike me as a shelter type, so why not my house?"

"No, I'll be fine."

"No really, I insist."

"Spencer, you don’t understand. I'll feel really bad about it," I admitted. "I can't just mooch off of you. It's just…weird."

Spencer looked up for a moment, studying the clouds in thought when he snapped his fingers. He looked back down at me and grinned. I raised an eyebrow.

"Well, what about cooking for us?

"I don't know," I bit my lip.

"Do you know how to cook?" He asked.

"Yeah, but-"

"Okay then! You can be our cook. Brendon isn't exactly great in the kitchen. In fact, he actually burns things a lot, so having edible food would be nice for a change. Believe me, Natalie, you'll be wanted. Please?"

I looked from him to the park bench in the distance behind him. It would be nice to not have to worry about things, to have a safe roof over my head, to have a roof period.

"We'll pay you," Spencer bargained. "You'll get new clothes, food, anything you need."

That did sound nice. A hot shower, a toothbrush, clean clothes- hell, new clothes, and food, all of which I was in desperate need for. I felt myself begin to break down as I looked up at Spencer.

"Fine," I rolled my eyes.

Spencer's face lit up, "Really?"

I nodded and Spencer took my hand, leading me out of the park. As I walked with Spencer to his home, I felt like a weight was off my shoulders. I felt lighter, I felt safe. It was then that I began to do something I hadn't done in months.

I smiled.


	4. Meeting the Boys

"Hey, guys!"

When Spencer and I walked through the door of his house, I figured it would probably be messy, because, after all, they're guys. Not the case. It looked like a bomb had gone off. There was an open pizza box on the living room table that had nothing but crust in it. Across the floor, there were dirty clothes, scattered papers, notebooks, pens, a yoga ball, a pair of drumsticks, and a few broken guitar strings. I didn't even look in the kitchen but from the smell of garbage, I could guess that it hadn't been taken out in a while and that there were probably unwashed dishes in the sink. Other than the mess, it was a pretty nice house.

'I guess I'm going to have to be the maid too,' I thought.

"Hey, guys!" Spencer called again, shutting the door behind us. "Anyone home?"

"Huh?" A boy with dark, ruffled, hair sat up on the couch, scaring me half to death. He had thin eyebrows and soft, delicate features, he was cute. His light brown eyes landed on me and he sighed, "Brendon! What have I told you about bring home whores? Oh, hey Spence."

Spencer gave him a look, "Hi."

Just then a boy with thick eyebrows, a pointed nose, and full lips entered the room, his dark brown hair neatly combed. He too was attractive. I turned red as I noticed that he had on nothing but his boxers. He folded his arms and leaned against the hallway doorframe.

"I didn't bring home a whore!" He yelled.

"Then explain her Brendon," the boy on the couch pointed at me.

Brendon narrowed his eyes and turned his attention to me before speaking again. "I think Spence has more explaining than me."

I heard footsteps that sounded like someone was running downstairs. A few seconds later, another boy with medium eyebrows, dark hair and eyes, and a light bearded mustache entered the room. He, unlike Brendon, was fully dressed, he wasn't bad looking either. The four of us watched him walk into the kitchen. I was beginning to think he didn’t notice me when he walked back out.

"Umm," He pointed at me. "Who's the chick?"

Brendon shrugged. "I don't know, but Ryro seems to think I have something to do with her."

"Because you're always doing something," the boy on the couch, 'Ryro', stretched. "It's easy to blame things on you because eight times out of ten it's your doing."

"This time it's my doing," Spencer cut in. "She's our new cook"

"Thank God!" The bearded boy entered the kitchen.

"Cook?" Brendon began to pout like a five-year-old. "What's wrong with my cooking?"

"Everything," all the boys answered.

Brendon looked offended and Spencer continued to explain, "She was about to be raped and I saved her. She had nowhere to go so I told her she could stay here with us."

"And you want to know if that's a true statement?" Ryro asked.

"Basically."

"I'll clean too," I interjected. "I don’t mind. Spencer's already been nice enough to offer me a place to say. I'll earn my keep. I swear."

"Please Ryro," the bearded boy asked. "Please? Can we keep her? I want to eat good food!"

"Hey!" Brendon frowned.

"Good point," Ryro nodded. "I say she can. Jon?"

The bearded boy clapped, "I say yes too!"

"Brendon?"

Brendon walked over to me, scanning me with his dark brown eyes before offering me his hand. "You can stay. I'm Brendon Urie."

"Since we're formally introducing ourselves," Spencer shook my hand. "I'm Spencer Smith."

I smiled and walked over to the couch where Ryro lay, "You're Ryro?"

"Ryan Ross," He shook my hand. "They call me anything from Ryro to Ryho and RyRy. I don't care what you call me, just as long as you don't call me by my first name."

"George," Brendon mentioned. "He goes by his middle name."

"Long story," Ryan laid back down.

"Oh," I nodded. "Okay."

I figured I shouldn't question it, but a part of me was curious to know why he didn't want to be called George. The bearded boy shook my hand with a smile before I could think of it any longer.

"Jon Jacob Walker. Feel free to laugh."

I suppressed a smile and shook his hand. I think I'm going to like this place.


	5. Hot Shower

After all the introductions, Spencer gave me a tour around the house. We started downstairs since we were already there before we went upstairs and he showed me around there. Downstairs there's the front door, a living room with hardwood floors, a door in the living room which leads to the spacious backyard with a pool, the kitchen with tile floors, a door in the kitchen which leads to the garage, a dining room, a bathroom, Jon's room, and Brendon's room.

Upstairs there's an entertainment type room with a TV and a couch, Spencer's room, a bathroom attached to Spencer's room, and Ryan's room.

"And here's your new room Natalie," Spencer smiled.

We stood outside of a cream door, which was down the hardwood hall from Spencer's room but across the hall from Ryan's room. Spencer opened the door to reveal a room with a full sized bed, a dresser, a papasan chair, baby blue walls, and soft white carpet. There were also three doors, one leading to the hallway, one leading to my closet, and the other leading to a bathroom.

"The bathroom conjoins your room with Ryan's. There's two sinks, a toilet, and a shower and bath. So what do you think?"

"It's amazing," I gaped. "I don't know what to say."

"I'm glad you like it," Spencer clapped his hands together. "Why don't you relax and take a shower? Do you have anything you need to unpack?"

I looked up at him and shook my head. I didn’t have anything except for the clothes I was wearing.

"Okay. Well, there should be a new toothbrush in the drawers. Get you some clothes and tomorrow we'll take you shopping."

"Okay."

"Towels are in the top cabinet."

"Okay."

Spencer left my room while I went to into the bathroom, shutting both of the bathroom doors. I turned the shower on, listening to the water run, watching as the steam began to fill the room. I reached my hand into the water; it was just the right temperature. I turned to my left, eying a column of three cabinets.

_Towels are in the top cabinet_

I looked up at the top cabinet and sighed, standing on my toes slightly to open the cabinet. I grabbed a towel and wash towel and closed the cabinet. I set the towels on the counter and removed my clothes, before entering the shower.

"God!"

I gasped. The water felt amazing on my body; I forgot what showers felt like. I lathered soap on my skin, watching as the water grew grimy. I scrubbed and scrubbed with the wash towel until my skin grew blotchy. I washed away all the dirt, all the smell, every remnant of living on the street. I heard a knock at the door.

"Here's a change of clothes for you," Spencer said. "I'm putting it on the counter. There's a pair of Bren's jeans, Jon's underwear, and one of my shirts."

"Okay," I called.

He closed the door, leaving me to my showering. I draped the wash towel over my shoulder and began to work on my hair. Squeezing some of the contents of the Garnier shampoo bottle in my hands, I worked it into my hair. The water was just beginning to run clear when all the dirt tinted it again. I washed my hair three times until my hair was completely clean. I wiped my face with the wash towel and watched for the water to run clear before I turned the water off and got out of the shower.

I muttered, "That's better."

I looked in the mirror. My hair was clean; I could actually tell that it was dark brown instead of black. My skin was tanned slightly from the Vegas sun, though it was still blotchy from my scrubbing. My eyes were another story. I noticed they were brown and tired. I looked deeper and saw my siblings, my sister screaming for me to run, my brother attempting to hurt me again. I blinked and shook my head, looking away.

Not now.

I got dressed, putting on a pair of men's briefs, a pink t-shirt, and a pair of jeans that Spencer left me, before heading downstairs. I needed a comb or a brush.

"Hey Natalie," Brendon smiled, his eyes traveled downward. "Nice jeans."

"I'm sorry," I frowned. "I needed something to wear. Spencer said we'd go shopping tomorrow so I could get some clothes."

He sipped a can of Red Bull, "It's okay. Nice nips by the way."

I looked down and quickly folded my arms over my chest. I'd opted not to put on my old bra because it was dirty and the underwire was poking out of the side. Apparently, that was a bad decision. Embarrassment made my stomach clench.

"We'll get you a new bra tomorrow when we go shopping," Ryan said from behind me, swatting Brendon in the head with his hand. "Way to be a dick, jerk face."

"You'll have to excuse Ryan," Jon plopped on the couch. "Ryan's having his period."

I began to laugh and Brendon pointed at me, "Ah ha! So, she does have an emotion other than embarrassment!"

"Yeah," I nodded. "I have emotions. Do I look like Megatron?"

I sat down on the couch next to Jon, not moving my arms away from my chest.

Brendon laughed again. "She's funny."

"He's drunk," Ryan and Jon mentioned.

Brendon frowned, "I'm not! Three Red Bulls are not equivalent to alcohol."

Jon whispered, "For him they are."

"Are not!" Brendon argued.

"Are so!"

I left the living room and entered the kitchen; I needed to get started on cleaning. I started by taking out the trash and stacking all the dirty dishes on one side of the sink. I put soap in one side of the sink and put clear water on the other side. Before I could begin to wash dishes, I had to find a dish towel. I opened a few cabinets and drawers, looking around.

"Need some help?"

I jumped. Ryan, who was leaning in the doorway, laughed and entered the kitchen.

I shut the drawer, "Y-Yeah, but you don't…"

He reached into a drawer next to the sink, before moving towards the sink. Before he could scrub a dish, I took the towel from him.

"Ryan, you don't have to."

Ryan took the towel from me, "Yes, I do."


	6. Tension

Washing dishes with Ryan Ross was completely awkward!

Since I was in a new house and surrounded by four guys I didn't really know, I was more than slightly uncomfortable to say the least. I could only guess that Jon, Ryan, and Brendon were feeling the same way. So I thought that it would be nice to get to know each of the guys a bit better and talk to them. With Ryan, this wasn't a possibility. Aside from the occasional 'here' or 'need more soap?' he hardly said a word. I tried to make light conversation, but he'd just nod or shrug. Instead of it being at least a 'getting to know you process', it was so…

Tense.

To be honest, I wasn't expecting for us to hold hands and skip after washing dishes, but I was hoping that I'd get to know him a little bit better. That's what I get for hoping I suppose.

"All done."

Ryan's voice cut the air and I watched as he placed the last dish on the drain and sighed. His looked out of the curtained window in front him with seemed to be longing in his eyes. He looked unhappy or discontent.

I opened my mouth to ask what was wrong but thought better of it. Asking him what was wrong, while I was itching to do it, would probably result in a shoulder shrug or another one-word response. So instead, I decided to wipe off the counters. The muscles in my shoulders were growing tighter by the second, and busying myself would help me relax, or at least chill out a bit.

"Alright," I felt myself say.

I turned my attention to the countertops, scrubbing dried food and sweeping crumbs into my hand without thought. My feet had just reached the stove when a swirling and gurgling noise filled the stale air. I jumped, my body tensing, my arms pulling backward abruptly, my heart skipping a beat. And, of course, Ryan just stared at me. After a few seconds, he shook his head and flicked water off of his hands. He scoffed.

"You need to calm down."

My eyes settled upon the drain; it was just the water swirling down that scared me. Note to self: stop being so jumpy.

I took a breath, "Thanks for helping me."

Ryan nodded, "Anytime, Beta"

As I watched him and the tension elephant walk out of the kitchen together, I wondered why he called me 'Beta'. Shrugging, I opened the refrigerator and looked at its contents: a molding pack of cheese, a carton of milk that I was scared to open, and countless take-out boxes.

Boys.

My eyes rolled in their sockets while I reached for the trashcan, immediately tossing the cartons, the cheese, and the milk inside without a second thought. When was the last time they actually cooked a meal?

"I see you've found the refrigerator."

Straightening my back, I glanced over the fridge door at Jon who was standing in the middle of the kitchen, stuffing a slice of pizza past his lips. A pepperoni fell on the floor and I made a mental note to retrieve it once I was finished with the current task at hand.

"It wasn't that hard to find. It's tall, grey, and sits in the middle of two cabinets, insulating and freezing your food while you order Chinese Take-Out."

"Actually," He pointed at the box in my hand. "That night we ordered Mediterranean. Spencer and Ryan got sick. There's nothing like explosive diarrhea."

I made a face and dropped the box into the trash can. Thanks, Jon, I didn't really need that information...or mental image for that matter. I turned my attention to the fridge, trying to ignore the feeling of his eyes on my back.

"So you're our cook huh?"

"That would be one of the conditions Spencer brought me here on."

"Can I call you Chef?"

I furrowed my brow, but continued to scan the inside of the fridge, "Whatever floats your boat I guess."

"Chef sounds too formal," Jon mulled. "Chef Natalie, maybe."

"Maybe," I repeated.

"Or just 'Talie, or maybe Nat. Like Nat King Cole. Ooh! 'Talie Ho!"

I stood up straight, "Jon, can you please think about what to call me elsewhere?"

"Yes, Chef!"

Jon headed out of the room, only to be replaced by an extremely over-caffeinated Brendon. I watched as he jumped up, his bottom landing on the clean countertop to the left of me. He swung his legs back and forth, occasionally hitting the bottom cabinets with loud bangs. I looked back into the fridge, trying to ignore the noise when it stopped and his singing began.

" _Believe me, Natalie, listen, Natalie, this is your last chance-_ "

" _To stop singing that song in this room now_ ," I sang, standing up straight again.

Brendon pouted, "Hey, I like that song."

"I do too, but when your name's Natalie and people who think they're clever sing that when you walk by, it gets annoying."

"When did that happen?"

I returned my eyes to the inside of the fridge, "When I was high school."

"Oh," said Brendon. "At least you're out of high school now."

"Yeah."

It got quiet for a moment until Brendon interjected again, "You've been staring into that fridge like its fucking Narnia, what are you looking for? It's not like Mr. Tumnus is going to come out or something."

I grabbed the last carton out of the fridge, dumped it, and faced him. His comment made me smile.

"For your information, I wasn't looking for him, I was getting all the sour food you four have left in there. Besides, if I was looking for Mr. Tumnus, I would have looked in the freezer. Narnia is an icy place, remember?"

Brendon studied me for a moment and scoffed, "You're cute when you're funny."

I tucked my hands into the back pockets of the jeans that I was wearing, a blush creeping across my face. I bowed my head and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.

He hopped off the counter, "Keep them."

"Keep what?"

"My jeans," Brendon removed a jar of peanut butter and a pack of Oreos from a top cabinet.

"Thanks," I bit my lip, "but why?"

He smirked and brushed past me, "I like the way you look in my pants."


	7. Forts and Food

After the kitchen was clean, I moved onto the living room, my hands and legs moving quickly to straighten and clean the mess the boys left behind. By this time, Ryan was asleep again with a least 6 pillows strewn on the floor around him and the couch. I shook my head and picked up a striped pillow that had feathers sticking out of a hole in its stitching.

"Don't move those pillows!"

Before I could react, Brendon ran into the room at an alarming pace. As I watched him slide onto the floor, grabbing a pillow near my feet as if it were a time bomb about to explode, all I could think was 'what the hell?'

"Wait for me!" Jon waddled in after him.

There was a giant mountain of thick blankets in his arms and I couldn't help but stare at the both of them. Were they seriously going to do what I thought they were going to do?

"It's fort-making time!" Brendon piped. "Jon! Give me a blanket. Let's do this."

Jon plopped on the ground next to him and I suppressed a smile. I hadn't made a blanket/pillow fort since I was six. I loved making forts; I usually used chairs and blankets, never pillows. I didn't want to spoil their fun, but there was no way around it if I wanted to finish cleaning. I turned my attention to Brendon.

"Guys," I asked, "can you make your fort somewhere else? I can't really clean the living room with a giant fort in it."

Jon's eye grew wide, "Where are we supposed to make it then?"

I knew I was going to regret what I was about to say before I said it. "You can use my room."

"Really?!" Brendon stood up.

"Really."

Brendon gathered all the pillows and ran up the stairs without a word. Jon gathered all the blankets, nodded at me with a smile, and waddled behind him up the stairs. I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear and placed the holey feather pillow in the chair behind me. I'd have to fix it later, there was too much on the floor for me to worry about a single pillow.

"How do boys live like this?" I muttered under my breath.

I grabbed the crust-filled pizza box off the living room table and began filling it with the busted guitar strings that littered the floor. After discarding it in the trash, I picked up all the dirty clothes that were on the floor and placed them in the laundry room so I could remember to wash them. Next, I gathered all of the scattered papers on the floor. I stacked the ones that did have writing on them on the table and recycled the blank sheets. I placed the pens that I picked up as well on the table next to the papers. Once I had placed the drumsticks on top of the papers, I sat on the yoga ball and admired my work.

The living room was clean.

"Holy shit!"

I jumped. Spencer had entered the room with wide eyes. I placed my hand on my chest. This was the second time one of the guys had scared me.

"It's clean in here," He admired. "Thank, Natalie."

I smiled, "You're welcome. You might want to look in the kitchen if you think this is clean."

"You can stop for today; no other rooms really need cleaning."

"Are you sure?" I asked. "I want to earn my keep."

"Oh, trust me, if you can get the living room and kitchen this clean, you really won't have to worry about that. We're gonna go shopping tomorrow, anything specific you want?"

"Food."

Spencer chuckled and ruffled my hair, "Silly, we're going to feed you."

"With what?" I raised my eyebrows. "The reason why I said 'food' was because there's no food in the refrigerator, like at all."

His mouth formed the shape of an O and he nodded thoughtfully, "Are you okay with Chinese takeout?"

I shrugged and moved from the yoga ball to the chair, so I could begin stuffing feathers back into the pillow.

"Pizza?"

I shrugged again.

"Fast food?"

I shoved the last feather into the pillow, "Honestly, at this point, food is food to me."

Spencer stopped. His face flashed from happy to uneasy to sad. I really didn't mean to make him so uncomfortable, but I was being honest. When you eat out of trash cans and sometimes don't eat at all, food really is food. It doesn't matter what you eat, just as long as it stops your stomach from growling for a few seconds.

"I'll tell you what," Spencer smiled. "I'll order two or three pizzas and take out from the best Chinese place around and have Ryan go out for fast food. Jon and Ryan can be picky eaters at times so, with all the variety, you can take your pick of what you want. Okay?"

I smiled and nodded, "Okay."

"Good. Now where are Brendon and Jon? I need to find out what they want Pei Wei or Chin Chin's."

"They're upstairs making a fort in my room."

I laughed to myself as Spencer rolled his eyes and jetted up the stairs.

"Dammit Brendon! What have I said about forts?"


	8. Weak Little Lee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter reveals what happened to Natalie. Contains descriptions of incest/rape. If that is something that triggers you, please skip this chapter. If you want to keep reading, know the section is separated so you can scroll past it if you need to.

After a hot dinner that consisted of pizza, Chick-fil-A, and Pei Wei, I placed all of the leftover Pei Wei in Tupperware containers and wrapped all five slices of uneaten pizza in Saran Wrap before placing them in the fridge. By the time I'd collected all of the trash from the living room and put the trash bag outside, the boys had gone their separate ways. Spencer was off to bed as soon as he had showered, Ryan had retreated upstairs after mumbling goodnight to everyone, and Jon followed soon after him to his own room.

Of course, that left me with Brendon, who had just finished a tall mug of Red Bull and coffee.

"Natalie!" Brendon sat on the counter and whined. "I'm bored."

I was really starting to get annoyed with him always sitting on the counter whenever I was in the kitchen, especially since he had a knack for doing it every time I'd just finished wiping it down.

I furrowed my brow, "I'm sorry?"

"I'm bored," He swung his legs and kicked the cabinets. "Entertain me!"

"Shh!" I warned. "Brendon, you're going to wake everyone."

He rolled his eyes and hopped off of the counter, "I'm not going to wake anyone. You're such a worry wart."

Ignoring him, I turned my attention back to the kitchen, noticing how clean it looked compared to how it had been when I first got here. I rubbed my eyes and stretched.

"Aww," Brendon noticed. "Is little Natalie sleepy?"

I yawned, "Pretty much. I've been cleaning since I got here and last night…well…I didn't sleep much because I was worried about someone finding me and noticing that I slept in the same park every night."

"Why were you so worried about someone finding you?" asked Brendon. "I mean, Spencer found you, you obviously weren't so worried about him."

"You're wrong. I was worried when Spencer found me. I didn't trust him or his intentions at first. Most people aren't so kind when they find a runaway."

"What do you mean? You're a girl, people would take pity on you, right?"

"If by pity you mean send me to live in a women's shelter, then yes," I snapped.

Brendon was obviously one of those inquisitive people because he continued to ask me questions, "What's wrong with a women's shelter? I mean, it’s a safe place for girls and women and stuff so, like, that's good."

"You don't understand Brendon," I shook my head. "It's good for most people in my situation but not for me. I can't live in a place like that, I can't deal with people feeling sorry for me, saying 'oh how sad'. I can't have them prodding me and asking me questions about how I feel and if I want to talk about what happened. I'm eighteen, I don't need them feeling sorry for me. I need…I just…"

I looked away from him and down at my bare feet. I thought that had given him the signal that I didn't want to talk anymore, but then I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"Natalie…what happened?" He asked. "Why can't you-"

"Because of what he did Brendon!" I yelled. "Because of how he hit-"

Brendon's eyes widened with worry and I slapped a hand over my mouth. My heart began to pound in my ears. How could I have said that? I wasn’t supposed to say. He wasn't supposed to know. No one was. It wasn't long before my head began to scream at me. _Whoa, whoa, easy girl, you're letting him in. Stop! You barely know him. He'll be like just like Jack! All guys are just…like…Jack!_

"Someone hit you?" Brendon raised his eyebrows. "A guy hit you? When was this Natalie?"

"It's not important. I'm sorry Brendon," I ran out of the kitchen.

Brendon followed me into the living room, calling after me, "Natalie, wait!"

I shook my head, running upstairs, and into my room before he could stop me. I slammed the door and placed my back against it. Running a hand through my hair, I waited for my breathing to get under control. I listened for the sound of footsteps up the stairs but I didn't hear any. Brendon must not have bothered to follow me any further.

Without clicking on the light, I hurriedly took off Brendon's pants. My eyes adjusted to the dark and I was happy to find that the blanket fort that he and Jon had made was no longer in my room.

'I just need to get a good night's sleep,' I thought.

I pushed back the comforter and the sheets before slipping to my new bed, wearing nothing but Jon's underwear and Spencer's shirt. I closed my eyes, sighing softly to myself. It wasn't long after that that I fell asleep.

* * *

_"Natalie! Get your ass in here you little bitch!"_

_I dropped my spiral bound notebook and hurried down the hall. Jack didn't like to be kept waiting, and it was for that reason that my sister and I always practically ran into the room whenever he called us. When I entered his room, I saw Jack sitting in a beanbag chair near the corner by his bed. He had his acoustic guitar on his lap and was singing a song to himself._

_Jack could sing. It was something he found out when our parents gave him that guitar a year before they died. He promised them he'd play it and when they died, he promised himself he'd play and try to have a career. He kept his promise and went out clubs and bars every other night playing his guitar, getting money, and of course drinking. I loved Jack. He was the best big brother my sister and I could ask for. He was always so nice to us. He was really sweet and kind._

_That_ is, _if he was sober._

 _"Ah Natalie," Jack looked up from his playing. "There you are you little_ twat _. Come sit down."_

_"Okay," I nodded._

_He took a swig from a clear glass of water, at least I think it was water, and held it out to me._

_"Before you sit, drink."_

_I took the glass and carefully raised it to my lips. It wasn't water, it was Vodka. I painfully swallowed a sip of the drink and handed it back to him. I sat down on his bed as Jack stood up, tucking a lock of his shaggy hair behind his ear. He sat down beside me and I cautiously turned my head to look at him. Jack smiled that loving smile of his, the one that he always gave me when we were little; the one that I used to trust and still did from time to time._

_"Are you nervous little Lee?" Jack asked._

_The fact that he used his childhood nickname for me, made me even more nervous than I already was. I nodded._

_"Do you know why I called you in here?"_

_I shook my head, "No, Jack. Why? What do you want?"_

_"It's your seventeenth birthday, silly. I have something for you."_

_I could feel my body tremble, I was beyond nervous. At this point, I was downright scared. Jack must have noticed because he gave me a hug._

_"Don't be nervous," he whispered. "You're my little sister, Natalie. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you."_

_I nodded and hugged him back. Jack pulled away after a couple of seconds and began scanning my face with his eyes. He reached up, cupping my cheek in his right hand before brushing away a stray hair from my eyes._

_"You're so pretty Natalie. You've grown up to be a brilliant young woman."_

_"Thank you," my voice trembled._

_I didn't like where this was going. I wanted to run but I knew better than to do it. If he was in a mood, it'd just make him worse._

_Jack admired my features, "Such beautiful eyes and soft lips…"_

_I could smell the faintest hint of alcohol on his breath and, when he kissed me seconds later, I could taste it too. I tried to fight against him by pushing him away, but he grabbed my wrists angrily and stopped kissing me._

_"Melissa went through this too, little Lee," Jack smirked._

_"Jack, stop it," I took gasping breaths. "You're scaring me."_

_"If you're a good girl, which I know you are, I'll be nice to you. I'll make sure you won't feel a thing when I enter you. After all, it's your first time right?"_

_I felt a chill go up my spine and nodded. Jack pushed me back onto his bed and spread my legs, his thumbs kneading circles on my thighs._

_"Good girl, I didn't think you were a whore. Now, since it's your first time, let's warm you up."_

_"Jack, stop it," I cried. "Stop-"_

_Jack covered my mouth with his and got on top of me. I tried to push him off, but he pinned my hands above my head with one hand and began removing my pants with the other. As soon as my pants were off, he took his hand away from my hands just long enough for me to punch him in the cheek. I hoped that it would buy me time, as I screamed for Melissa and got off of his bed. I stupidly ran in my t-shirt and underwear towards his door. I knew I was going to get it if he caught me. Maybe if I ran fast enough he wouldn't catch me. I was halfway out the_ door _when I felt his arms around my waist. He lifted me up and carried me back to bed. I kicked and screamed. I didn't want to lose it._

_Not this way._

_Not to Jack._

_He threw me on his bed, his hands pinning my arms to my sides, his knees straddling my hips. I could feel bruises beginning to form on my wrists and I looked up at Jack. His face was hovering above mine, his dark brown eyes staring into my identical ones. He looked so angry._

_His alcohol saturated breath filled my nose as he spoke, "You're being naughty little Lee. I said I'd make this easy for you since it's your first time-" I opened my mouth to scream again but Jack gave me a look, "But I can make it_ hard, _unless you cooperate. That means no screaming. Besides, it's not like Melissa can hear you. She's not at home right now."_

_I felt my eyes widen as Jack gave a satisfied chuckle. He was right; it was a lost cause to scream._

_"So are you going to be a good little girl?"_

_Tears fell from my eyes and I forced a nod of my head._

_"Good."_

_He removed his hands from my sides and moved his hands to my t-shirt. Jack's hands touched the outside of my shirt where my breasts were. He took my mouth again, kissing it hungrily. I continued to cry, sniffing every now and then, feeling Jack explore my upper body._

_"Such pretty breasts," he squeezed them gently. "Let's see what they look like."_

_I felt his hands snake up my shirt and around to my bra, unhooking it smoothly and without difficulty. His fingers traced patterns on my skin on their way up to my breasts. I suppressed a scream when he took my shirt off and began kissing and sucking my body. After a few moments, he moved his lips down to my belly button and then down to my panty line._

_"You should be ready little Lee."_

_His fingers moved down the outside of my panties until he got between my legs. He touched my spot and began to stroke it gently in circles. Tears blurred my vision as I looked down at Jack. I wiped tears that were falling down my cheeks._

_"Aww, am I not giving you enough attention?" Jack asked._

_"Stop," I whined. "Please, Jack, stop."_

_"Little Lee, I guess you're right," He agreed. "You are wet enough, I guess I should begin."_

_I shook my head but Jack stopped it by taking my face in his right hand and kissing my lips firmly. I watched him unzip his pants with his left hand and screamed._

_"Ah, ah, ah," Jack sighed. "You don't learn do you?" His hand went sharply across my face as he struck me. "Lie down and shut your fucking mouth!"_

_I nodded and lay as still as I could, feeling my face sting. I closed my eyes and prayed that he'd stop. I opened my eyes in time to see him pull out a condom from his pocket, rip it open with his teeth and put it on._ _Such a gentleman, I thought fiercely as I continued to struggle against him._ _When he finished, he pulled my panties off and kissed my neck, sucking and biting the base of my neck to leave a mark_ _._

_"I'm ready for you little Lee," Jack said huskily._

_I don't know which was worse, the fact that he was hard for me or that my body was getting wet for him even though I didn't want him. I hated this. Every moment. I couldn't help but to wish I could die. Anything would be better than this. I tried to lie still, maybe it would make this go faster._

_"Why are you crying?" Jack whispered. "Don't you know, it's all your fault?"_

_"No, it's not," I cried._

_"You're letting me do this to you. You want it, don't you?"_

_"No."_

_Jack struck me again, only much harder than last time. "You want to be fucked by your own brother don't you?" He growled, "You filthy, little cunt!"_

_"Stop."_

_"You're so weak. So, so, weak."_

_Before I could say 'no', and without a warning, Jack eased himself inside me. When I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, Jack stopped almost as abruptly as he started._

_"Aww little Lee, the first time hurts doesn't it?"_

_I could only nod. I wanted to scream so badly, I wanted Melissa to stop this, and I wanted Jack to be sober again. Jack caressed my cheek, wiping away the tears in my eyes before starting again. My lips parted and I gripped the bed sheets. Fuck, this hurt. Jack placed his lips against mine, kissing me through the pain._

_Once he stopped, he patted my cheek, "Such a trooper. Now, be good little Lee and say my name when you come."_

_Before I could say 'no', Jack covered my lips with his, pulling out of me before thrusting himself back in. I gripped the sheets so tightly that I almost tore them off the bed. Jack moved at a quick pace, his breath_ ragged _as he began to sing._

_"Believe me, Natalie, listen, Natalie, this is…your last chance to find a go-go dance to disco now."_

_Jack grew quicker. The pain increased. I felt him raise my hips, causing him to go deeper inside of me._

_"Stop!" I yelled. "Stop it! Stop it!_ "

* * *

"Natalie!"

"Stop it! Don't hurt me! Stop! I don't want to! Stop!"

"Natalie!"

I jumped and opened my eyes. I looked around the room to find who was calling me and found Ryan sitting next to me.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

My heart was pounding so loud in my ears that I was certain he could hear it. It was another nightmare. Another reminder of what Jack did.

"Natalie," Ryan repeated. "Are you okay?"

I took a deep breath as my vision began to blur with tears. I wrapped my arms tightly around him and didn't let go. Moments later, Ryan carefully returned the favor, holding me with no intention of letting go. He ran his hands through my hair and shushed me.

"Calm down. It's okay, you're safe."

If only that were true.


	9. Completely Honest

"How about this one?"

Spencer held up a yellow, V-neck shirt with a white guitar in the middle and butterflies swirling around it. It looked like breathable fabric and the sleeves were short and slightly cinched.

I looked up and made a face, "A little too yellow. But if you can find it in green, I'd like to have it please."

Brendon, Spencer, Ryan, Jon and I were in Target shopping for food and new clothes for me. I wanted to go to Wal-Mart since it was cheaper and I could get a lot of clothes, but they insisted that money was no object, I could get as many clothes as I wanted, and that Target was where they went food shopping so it would save time. Once I agreed to go, everything that I said I liked or tried on, wound up in the shopping cart. Needless to say, we were now walking around Target with two buggies, one for my clothes, the other for food and toiletries.

"This is cute!"

Brendon held up a sleepwear set that consisted of green boxers, green sleep pants, and a white shirt that matched both. I nodded and watched as Brendon tossed it in the buggy and ran back into the isles of clothes racks.

"You guys really don't have to do this," I turned to Spencer. "It's too much."

Jon scoffed, "Whatever! It's not enough. You're with us now, kid; we want you to look great."

"He's right," Spencer nodded. "Don't worry about it. All we want you to worry about is keeping the house neat, though that won't be hard since you've straightened it up, and cooking un-burnt meals-"

"I heard that!" Brendon called.

"We'll help with the laundry," Spencer continued.

I smiled, "Thanks, you don't know how much this means. Honestly."

"Welcome. Now, did we get you enough bras and underwear? I can send Ry with you to get more."

"I'm set on the undergarment front. Though, we haven't got socks yet."

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's go get you some socks."

While Spencer went to find Brendon and Jon took my clothing buggy, I went over to Ryan who stood at our grocery buggy.

"We're going to get socks. Is there anything else we need while we're across from the food section?"

Ryan looked at me for a moment and his eyeliner-patterned eyes narrowed before he shook his head. I sighed. He still wasn't talking to me. Ever since the incident where he found me after my nightmare last night, he hasn't said a word to me. He wouldn't even talk, let alone look at me for longer than a second since the incident where he found me screaming in my sleep last night.

Brendon patted my shoulder causing me to jump, "Don't worry about him. He takes some warming up."

"He's a little shy," Jon whispered.

Ryan rolled his eyes and pushed the cart in the direction of socks. "I'm not shy," he muttered. "I just don't want to waste my time with a stupid Beta."

I felt my spirits drop further into the pit of my stomach. Why was Ryan so mad at me today?

"'Talie, are you okay?"

I looked over at Spencer and nodded, "Let's just forget the socks and go."

"Oh," Spencer looked taken aback. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I just kinda want to go home right now."

He glanced over at Ryan whose lips were pressed into a line and then nodded at me with understanding. Without any question, Brendon, Ryan, Jon, Spencer, and I headed to the cash register to pay for everything. As the items ran across the scanner and into plastic bags, I heard my heart pound in my ears. I watched the total jump higher and higher and felt like I was going to be sick.

Brendon wrapped his arm around my back, "Are you okay?"

"Not really," I swallowed.

"Need to lie down?"

I shook my head.

"Something's bothering you…if it was something I said, I'm sorry," Brendon rubbed the back of his neck. "I kinda blew up at you last night and I shouldn't have."

"It's okay," I watched the cashier move onto the basket full of my new clothes.

"No, it's not. I shouldn't have reacted that way. I must have scared you a bit."

"It's okay. Besides, it's not you or anything you said."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm just bothered by the way some people are treating me now that they know someone hit me."

Brendon raised his eyebrows, "What do you mean?"

I glanced over at Ryan again, and then down at my feet.

"How does he know?" Brendon grew serious. "Was he listening to our convo last night?"

I shook my head, making a face, "No. I had a nightmare last night and he found me as I was screaming in my sleep. We fell asleep together. Since then, he's kept his distance. I don't know what I did."

"Well," Brendon rationalized. "It most likely wasn't you. Ry was probably freaked about the whole situation. I know I was when you told me accidentally. And though I don't know all the details and he probably doesn't either, it doesn't mean that we should be mean to you, or in his case, shutting you out. It's not fair to you."

I felt my cheeks burn and smiled, "Thanks, Brendon. I need that today."

"You're welcome 'Talie."

After the cashier rang up all of the food and my clothes, Brendon swiped his credit card/debit card and all of us left the store.

"Thanks, guys," I smiled. "You really didn't have to."

"Yes we did," Jon grinned. "We couldn't let you stay and help us out around the house without buying you stuff you need. It'd be wrong."

Ryan pushed the food buggy and Brendon followed closely behind him with the clothing buggy. We walked through the parking lot towards the SUV and passed two girls, one with black and red hair that was cut in a scene type style, the other with blonde hair and a shirt that said 'Fueled by Ramen'.

"Is that him?" The blond asked her friend.

The one with black and red hair stopped walking at stared at Ryan for a moment before her eyes lit up and she screamed, "That's Ryan! O-M-G! It's Ryan Ross!"

Ryan's stopped in his tracks, his eyes wide with fear. Spencer, Jon, and Brendon stopped as well, panic in their eyes.

"Holy shit! It's Brendon too!"

A few other girls in the area stopped as well, noticing Brendon and Ryan before reacting the same way as the girl with black and red hair.

"JON!" A chubby girl with brown hair and a blue t-shirt ran towards him. "Can I have your picture?"

Spencer dug into his pockets for the keys, retrieved them and tossed them to Jon, "Get Natalie in the car, now!"

Jon ditched the buggy with Spencer and grabbed my hand, pulling me in the direction of the car. I had to run to keep up with his pace but by the time we made it to the car, I was beyond confused.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Just get in the car!" Jon panted, unlocking the doors.

Doing as I was told, I climbed into the back of the SUV as Jon placed the keys in the ignition.

"What's going on?"

"I'll be back. Keep the doors locked and stay here okay?"

"Okay," I nodded.

Jon locked and shut the doors, leaving me alone in the SUV to wonder what had just happened.

* * *

About thirty minutes later, Brendon, Jon, Spencer, and Ryan returned to the SUV and began placing all our bags in the trunk. Now we were on the way back home and I wanted to know what the hell all of that was about.

"Will someone tell me why you guys forced me in the car after a couple of girls called your names?" I asked.

Spencer sighed, Jon turned his attention to the road and Ryan continued to not talk to me. Brendon bit his lips, ruffling his hair as he opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it again.

"Natalie, I'm afraid we haven't been completely honest with you."

"What's going on?" I furrowed my brow. "Why are cameras following you? Are you famous or something?"

Spencer nodded, "Something like that."

"How long have you been on the street Natalie?" Jon questioned.

I thought back, "It's September 2006 now, right? And I left around the middle of May. So about five months."

"Did you listen to music before you left your home, Natalie?" Brendon asked.

"Yes, but not much before I left…"

"Do you recognize any of us?" Spencer pointed to his three friends. "Or do the names Brendon Urie, Spencer Smith, Jon Walker or Ryan Ross ring a bell to you?"

I studied their faces and dug deep into my memory for anything that would spark something in my mind as to whether or not I'd known these guys before now.

I shook my head, "Not really. I mean, Brendon, your name _does_ seem kinda familiar, but I don't know why."

"Good. Now have you heard of a band called Panic! at the Disco?"

I thought back again but nothing about Panic! at the Disco sounded familiar, so I shook my head again.

"If she even knows who we are," Ryan folded his arms. "It's not like she's going to remember with you guys forcing things out of her like that. She's a beta guys! If we tell her who we are, when she doesn't know who we are, when she leaves, she's going to sell her story to the press."

"I wouldn't do that Ryan," I glared at him. "Even if you guys told me who you are. You guys were so nice to me, regardless of the fact that I'm a runaway. I wouldn't take that for granted by selling my story to the press."

I turned my attention back to Spencer, who whispered something to Brendon, who then nodded, opened his mouth, and began to sing.

"I chime in with a 'haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?' No! It's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality."

My eyes widened and my heart stopped. I'd heard that song before. My sister and my friends at school loved it. The radio wouldn't stop playing it. In fact, if we were to turn the radio on now, it would probably be on. Lying is the most….no, that's not it. The title was something about writing sins and tragedies.

I looked at Brendon, Ryan, Spencer, and Jon. They looked a bit like the guys on the posters on my friend's walls. It was all coming back to me, they were Panic! at the Disco.

"Please say something," Brendon sighed.

"Oh, holy shit!" I gaped. "You're…you're a band. You're a band?"

This was bad. They couldn't be a band. They were too nice to be a band. They couldn't be a band. If they were, that means they'd wind up just like Jack. My head was right, why didn't I listen to it? All boys are just like Jack. They play guitar just like Jack, they start of nice just like Jack, they drink just like Jack and they take advantage of girls just like Jack.

"Yes," he smiled. "We just went platinum last month."

I groaned, "Oh no."

"Oh yes. We, dear 'Talie, are Panic! at the Disco."


	10. Now You Know

"Look we're sorry!" Jon yelled.

"We did it for your own good!" Spencer called.

I sat on my bed in my brand new pajamas listening to the boys try to coax me out. As soon as we got home, unloaded the groceries and my clothes, and put them away, I locked myself in my room. I couldn't talk to them, they were a band. They were only pretending to be nice so they could gain my trust and then hurt me.

"We wanted you to like us for us and not because we were in a band," Brendon mentioned.

"Natalie," Spencer knocked. "Please come out."

"No!" I screamed.

After a few moments, I heard the sound of their footsteps going down the stairs and sighed. They were finally gone. I lay back on my bed, my hand landing on my pillow. I closed my eyes for a moment but quickly opened them when images of Jack raced through my mind. I opened my eyes and groaned.

"What's your deal Beta?"

I jumped. Ryan was standing in the doorway of our joint bathroom, his hands in his pockets, as he looked at me coldly.

I sat up and hugged my pillow, "None of your business

"You know Natalie," He walked towards me. "It is my business. You made it my business last night."

My heart stopped.

"You were screaming in your sleep Natalie, and then today you wig out because we tell you that we are Panic! at the Disco. Something obviously isn't right, so are you going to tell me or not."

"I can't tell you," I whispered. "You guys can't know."

Ryan rolled his eyes, "Look, if you're going to sleep scream and be uncomfortable with us being a band, we have a right to know why-"

"But-"

"-And if not all of us, then at least Spencer. He's the whole reason why you're staying here. You owe it to him, Beta."

I sighed. He had a point.

"So," Ryan sniffed. "Are you going downstairs to tell him? Or am I going to have to bring them up here?"

I stood up and, with Ryan behind me, went downstairs to talk to the boys. Ryan was right; I owed it to Spencer to tell the truth. Besides, if I was screaming that loud in my sleep, my secret was bound to come out sometime.

"Hey…guys?" I walked down the last two steps.

Brendon was the first one who noticed. His eyes lit up and he folded his legs, sitting criss-cross applesauce on the chair. "Hey, Natalie, you're back!"

I smiled slightly and nodded, "Yeah, I kinda wanted to talk to you guys about something."

"Sure," Jon flicked off the TV, "talk away."

He was lying with his back against the arm of the couch and had his legs stretched across it, his feet resting on Spencer's lap. Ryan took a seat on the arm of Brendon's chair and I stood in front of the TV, wringing my hands.

"Well," I took a breath. "I'll start out by saying sorry?"

"For what?" Brendon piped.

"Locking myself in my room and being upset with you guys for being in a band. It's not your fault. I just have a history with bands."

Spencer raised his eyebrows, "What kind of history?"

"You dated someone in a band didn't you?" asked Jon.

"Nothing of the sort," I sighed and began to spill. "I have an older brother named Jack and he can sing. He played this guitar that our parents gave him before they died and he went from bar to bar playing odd jobs sometimes with a band, sometimes solo. He made money and then he drank and then he would hit-" I stopped myself and looked at Brendon, Spencer, Ryan, and Jon who were all staring at me with wide eyes. "Hit the pedal to the metal and come home." I lied.

"But," Brendon frowned. "You told me that someone hit you."

I froze and cursed myself in my head for letting it slip to him that someone hit me.

"Someone hit you?" Jon raised his eyebrows.

I shook my head, "No, no, Brendon got it wrong."

"No, I didn't," Brendon pressed. "You were really upset the other night and you told me that you were a runaway and you didn't want to live in a women's shelter. Then you yelled at me and said it's because someone hit you…because, because _he_ hit you. Was it your brother you were talking about? Was it Jack?"

I put my head in my hands. Why did I let that slip to Brendon? Why? Now they would all know. A dark silence hung over the room as the boys tried to gather themselves. Jon opened and closed his mouth, trying to find something to say. Brendon looked at me with huge eyes and a pout that would be so hot if I wasn't upset with him, I'd find it cute.

Spencer was the first to break the silence, sitting up straighter on the couch as he began to speak. "Natalie? Is Brendon telling the truth? Did your brother hit you?"

I took a deep breath. Now or never, it was bound to come out sometime. Right?

"Yes," I nodded. "My brother…hit me."

"Oh, Natalie! I'm so sorry."

Jon nodded just before standing up to hug me. I accepted the hug and pulled away quickly, just in time for Spencer to envelope me with a hug. Ryan shot me an apologetic glance before heading upstairs and Brendon bit his lip and looked like he was about to cry. This is exactly why I didn't want everyone to know. I hate people feeling sorry for me. At least they didn't know that Jack raped me and…

Nevermind.

"We won't hit you, Natalie," Spencer reassured me. "None of us are like that."

Jon agreed, "Not all guys are like Jack. Not all of us hit women whether they are our girlfriends, our sisters, our friends, or any woman in our life."

"Thanks, guys," I muttered.

"If you ever want to talk to us-"

"Hey," interrupted Brendon. "Can I talk to you, Natalie? Alone. In the kitchen. Alone?"

I nodded and excused myself from Jon and Spencer to follow Brendon into the kitchen.

"What's up?" I asked.

Brendon immediately wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder. He erupted into apologies, "I'm so sorry. I should have shut my mouth. I shouldn't have told them your business. I'm sorry Natalie. I shouldn't do that to such a nice girl."

"It's fine. It was going to come out sooner or later."

"It doesn’t change the fact that I shouldn't have told the guys. I should have let you tell them when you're ready to tell them. I'm sorry Natalie."

I pulled away from Brendon and cupped his cheeks in my hand, "Brendon, calm down."

"I'm sorry, Natalie," he breathed.

"It's okay." I gave a small smile. "See?"

"No, it's not," Brendon shook his head. "It's not okay, cause I like you."

I sighed and hugged him, "I like you, too."

"Really?" He smiled widely.

"Yes. You're a good friend, Bren."


	11. Paparazzi and Doctors Visits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder, I wrote this years ago in high school. Let's pretend the boys are chased by paparazzi.

"Natalie, are you ready to go?"

I took my hairbrush and brushed my hair into my fist, took a scrunchie and tied it around my ponytail before tightening it slightly.

"Just a second," I called.

Stepping back from my mirror, I examined myself. I looked much better than I had my first day in the house. Smoothing my jumper, I slid on a pair of flats and headed downstairs. When I got there, Brendon was waiting for me.

"You look really pretty Natalie," Brendon smiled.

I looked down at what I was wearing: a blue Converse One Star tank dress with a white short-sleeve shirt underneath and black flats.

I felt my cheeks flush, "Thanks, Bren. You're really nice."

"I'm just telling the truth. Are you ready to go? Spencer and the guys are waiting in the car."

"Yep. Let's go."

I headed towards the front door and Brendon followed close behind. After setting the house alarm, Brendon ushered me outside and locked the door behind us. I opened the door to Spencer's SUV and slid into the backseat next to Jon.

"So, where are we going?" I piped.

Brendon slid in next to me and shut the door as Spencer pulled out of the driveway and down the street.

"We're going to the doctor's," Spencer looked at me through the rearview mirror. "Since you've been on the street for a couple of months, I wanna get you back to your normal health. We're also going to the dentist after the doctor."

"Thanks," I nodded. "I hadn't thought of that."

I honestly hadn't. Finding food was probably the only thing closest to health on my mind while I was down and out.

Spencer shrugged, "No prob. You're going to see our doctor."

"Dr. Fellatio!" Jon smirked.

"Ugh," Ryan rolled his eyes. "Will you stop calling her that? It's disgusting."

"It's not my fault that she's hot."

I raised my eyebrows, "Dr. Fellatio? I'm sorry guys, but I don’t think I want to go to a girl whose name is just another word for blowjob."

"Her name is actually Dr. Amber Felicetti, but Jon thinks she's attractive so…yeah."

"She's really nice and trustworthy," Spencer assured me. "Don't worry, okay? You'll be in safe hands."

"Okay," I shrugged.

"You're going to my dentist," Brendon smiled. "She's amazing. She took my wisdom teeth out last summer, it was painless. Her name's Dr. Jamie Baron, best dentist I've ever had."

"What's the catch? Did you sleep with her or something?"

"Dr. Baron? No! She's nice, but I'm not attracted to her. She's so not my type. Besides, she's like…a 5."

I chuckled, "That's comforting."

Brendon laughed and I looked over at him. He looked back at me, placing his hand over mine. I felt my heart jump slightly. Without hesitation, I pulled my hand away, setting back on my lap.

"Here," Ryan turned around from the passenger seat, handing me a pair of red sunglasses, "There's a possibility that there's going to paparazzi outside, so since we want to protect you Beta, wear these."

I looked around the car, noticing that each of the guys had on a different pair of sunglasses. Brendon had a black pair with large lenses resting on his head, Jon wore an identical styled navy pair, Spencer had his eyes shielded by a lightly tinted red pair with narrow lenses, and Ryan had light pink glasses that were so large they covered his eyebrows. Taking the glasses, I tucked them behind my ears and rested them on my head like Brendon had.

"We're here," Spencer announced.

Spencer parked the SUV and turned off the car. Not a minute after that, paparazzi swarmed us. I began to wonder how they knew that we were here.

"How'd they find us?" Brendon's eyes widened.

Spencer frowned, "I was afraid of this. They must have followed us."

"Okay, guys," Jon took a breath. "Do you know the plan?"

"Yep," Brendon began to jiggle his leg eagerly.

Ryan nodded.

"Uh huh," Spencer adjusted his sunglasses.

"Plan?" I furrowed my brow. "What plan? What's going on?"

"Calm down," Jon patted my shoulder. "We're going to try to get you inside without getting the press involved."

"The plan is for Ryan and I to get out, then Jon, and Spencer with you," Brendon explained.

"Hopefully they won't surround you and Spencer," Ryan sighed. "Then we'll get you signed in."

"Are you sure this is going to work?" I panicked.

"Hopefully," Brendon put his sunglasses on. "Let's go Ryan."

Without a word, Brendon and Ryan quickly got out of the car and walked towards the building. I remained in the car with Spencer and Jon, watching as the cameras flashed and the paparazzi shouted their names.

"Brendon! Over here!"

"When is your next tour? Mr. Ross!"

"Ryan! Brendon! Give us a smile!"

Once Ryan and Brendon were out of sight, it was Jon's turn. He unbuckled his seatbelt coolly and turned to me with a smile, "Wish me luck."

So far, everything was according to plan. Once Jon had disappeared, Spencer unbuckled his seatbelt and I did the same.

"Ready?" He asked.

"Ready as I'm gonna be," I bit my lip.

We both got out of the car and, after locking the doors behind us, Spencer took my hand. Cameras clicked as we walked towards the doctor's office. I squeezed his hand, walking close beside him, not raising my head for two seconds.

"Who is that?!"

"Spencer?! Give us a quote!"

"Who's the girl?"

He wrapped his arm around me but continued to walk, "She's my little sister," I looked up at Spencer with wide eyes and he smiled back at me. "Her name's Natalie."

I continued to walk but my head was reeling. Spencer, like Brendon, was nineteen; there was no way that he could by my big brother. Once we got inside, I pulled Spencer aside.

"I'm your little sister?" I whispered.

Spencer whispered back, "It's plausible enough for the press."

"Plausible? I don't really look like you and you're barely a year older than me," I mentioned. "If anyone is capable of being my big brother it would be Jon, he's twenty-one. Hell, even Ryan cause he's twenty…but then again we don’t look alike-"

"Natalie, breathe," Spencer rested his hands on my shoulders, his voice still low. "Don't worry about it. The press will eat it up, they'll leave you alone."

"Or they'll want to know more about me because I'm 'your sister'. How is it going to work anyway? My last name is Whistler."

"Uh, well, your dad met my mom, had me. They divorced; he met your mom and had you."

"All in less than a year?" I raised my eyebrows.

"They had a complicated on again off again relationship," Spencer reasoned.

"But in real life, I have a brother who is four years older than me and a sister who is a year older than me."

"For the press's sake, you only have one sibling, that's me. Besides, the fact that you have a sister who's a year older than you reinforces the fact that you could be my sister."

I narrowed my eyes.

"Come on."

"Okay fine," I sighed. "I'll be your little sister, related to you through our father."

"Thank you," Spencer smiled. "Now let's get you into this appointment."

I followed Spencer to the front counter where a woman with horn-rimmed glasses looked at us. She had entirely too much makeup on and was popping her gum as she chewed it.

"Your name?"

"Natalie Smith," Spencer smiled.

"Rebecca!" Another woman who looked a few years older than the first tapped her on the shoulder. "Aren't you supposed to be filing something?"

Rebecca sighed and rolled her eyes before retreating to the back. The second woman smirked and sat down where Rebecca had just sat, "Sorry about that. She's new. I'm Katie. Your name?"

"Natalie Whistler," I said.

"Okay," Katie's hands flew across the keyboard. "Okay…" She grabbed a clipboard and a thin stack of papers. "I just need you to fill these out and we'll get you into Dr. Felicetti in a jiff."

I smiled and took the clipboard, following Spencer to the waiting area where Brendon and the others were already seated.

"I'm telling my real name and my real information," I told Spencer. "Falsifying records medical or otherwise is a felony."

"I didn't expect you to lie to the doctor," Spencer chuckled, "just to the tabloids."

I shook my head and began to fill out the paperwork. It was all generic: mother/father name, history of "insert disease here", when was your last period? Etc. When I finished I returned the paperwork to the front desk and sat back down next to Spencer.

"So, who is going with me when they call my name?" I asked.

"We already decided," Brendon sniffed. "Uh, Ryan's going with you."

Jon and Spencer nodded his head in agreement, but Ryan did not.

"I'm sorry," Ryan brushed his bangs away from his eyes. "I thought you just said that I was going with Beta to see Dr. Felicetti."

Jon looked up from his magazine, "We did, and you are."

"No, I'm not. Sorry, wrong guy."

"Sorry, right guy," Brendon looked at him. "You're like, the only one who hasn't made an effort to get to know Natalie. You're always calling her 'Beta'. Be nice and just go with her into the damn exam room."

Ryan blinked and then looked at me. A blush covered his cheeks and he sunk down into his chair, placing his head in his hands.

"So is that a 'yes'?" Brendon raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, whatever."


	12. George and Beta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natalie and Ryan finally have it out.

After about a ten minute wait, I was called back to an exam room where, once they had finished taking my blood pressure, height, and weight, I was left to wait for my doctor with Ryan. He sat in the chair beside the cot, his hands folded gracefully in his lap, his eyes watching the clock as the seconds ticked by slowly. Lowering my eyes, I began to pick at a hangnail. Why was it that every time Ryan and I were alone things were awkward?

"Why do you call me Beta?"

I heard myself asking the question before I had even realized my mouth was open. Ryan's eyes cut towards me sharply. My heart caught in my throat and I quickly regretted saying anything.

Ryan's head turned towards me and his eyes narrowed in disbelief, "Don't tell me you don't know what beta means."

"I-I do," I nodded. "I mean, 'Beta' is an old VCR brand from like the eighties right?"

"Yes…"

"But…but isn't it also used a lot for sororities and frats? Isn't it in the Greek alphabet?"

"Yes…"

"So," I furrowed my brow. "Either I'm a VCR brand or I look like I belong on Greek Row?"

Ryan rolled his eyes, "The term 'beta' means something else too, _Natalie_. 'Beta' can mean experimental, pre-release, or new. I call you 'beta' because you are an experiment, you are new and, unless Brendon fucks you and gets you pregnant, I highly doubt that you'll be here long."

I blinked a few times, trying to recover from his verbal blow, "Ouch, those were my feelings. Of course, you would know if you had a heart beating in that black hole you're trying to pass off as a chest."

"I do have a heart."

"Then why are you being so mean to me?"

"Because, Beta, it's not worth my time to be nice to you. Especially since you're only here to use us to get 'back on your feet', so you can get a job and use the money to buy booze or heroin."

"Do I look like an addict to you? Besides, I told you about my brother. Do you seriously think that I would become an addict?"

"Do you seriously think that I wouldn't think that?" Ryan snapped. "I know how people like you operate. You make us think you're a 'runaway' so we can take pity on you. You're a con-artist Little Lee and I can see right through it."

My back stiffened. I don't know which was worse the fact that Ryan thought that I was a substance addicted con-artist or the fact that he used the name Jack used to call me. My heart pounded in my ears as face began to flush red with anger. My eyes began to water.

"I don't know who the hell you think you are, but from day one I put my trust in everyone in that house. Brendon, Spencer, and Jon all trust me back and I don't know why you are the only one who hasn't jumped on the fucking bandwagon. The only thing you know about me is that my brother used to hit me. Other than that, you know nothing about me. I gave you a chance and now all I'm asking is for you to do the same. But instead, you sit there like an arrogant jerk and insult me and judge me. After all the shit I've been through in my life? You sit there and think you can judge me and I won't care? You know nothing! My brother fucking r-" I stopped myself before I could anything more. Tears coated my cheeks, "Ugh, it just, ugh! I have never been so infuriated in my life, George!"

When I had realized what I said, I slapped a hand over my mouth. Ryan looked either angry or sad, I couldn't tell which. I felt awful, I had just done something that he had warned me not to do on day one. I can't believe I'd called him George.

"Ryan…" I whispered. "Ryan, I'm so sorry."

"Just forget it," Ryan shook his head.

"Ryan…"

"No," he looked down, his eyes beginning to water. "Beta, just…just stop okay? Just stop."

Before I could say anything else, Ryan stood up and left the room. Sighing, I lay down on the cot and waited for the doctor. Why had I said anything to Ryan?

"I should've kept my big mouth shut," I muttered to myself.

Just then, the door opened and Brendon entered the room, causing me to sit up immediately.

"What happened?" Brendon breathed. "Why is Ryan pissed? What's more, why are you crying?"

I shook my head and chewed my lip, "It's not important."

"Obviously it is because you're crying, Natalie. Tell me what happened."

"I called him 'George'," I could hear Brendon groan. "I’m sorry. It just came out! He called me 'Beta' again and he kept being all stand-offish and I yelled at him and it kinda slipped out. I'm sorry."

Brendon sat down in the chair that Ryan had vacated, "Natalie…"

"He had every right to be mad, but I wish I knew what was wrong. I wish I knew why he doesn't like being called 'George'. I mean…that's his name, why-?"

"Natalie," Brendon sighed, "I shouldn't tell you-oh, what the hell, you deserve to know. Do you really want to know why Ryan got so mad?"

I nodded.

"As you know, Ryan's first name is George. He was named after his father, which makes him George Ryan Ross III. Anyway, his father, the second G.R.R was…."

"Was what?"

"Well, from what Ryan told us, he wasn't the best dad," Brendon ran a hand through his hair. "He…he was like your brother a bit in the sense that he had an alcohol addiction."

I sighed, "Oh God."

"Yeah, I know. If that's not enough, Ryan's dad just died about two months ago."

"What?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Yeah…on July 28th. Ryan was a mess. I mean, he was glad about him being gone because he didn't have to worry about his dad anymore. Then he was guilty because he felt that way. Then he was sad. He was…I feel bad for Ry. He's had it hard. Natalie, you calling him 'George' wasn't exactly the best thing for him right now. He never liked being called that."

"I'm so sorry."

Brendon gave me a sad smile, "You're apologizing to the wrong guy Nats."

"How do I make it better?" I sighed.

"Well, I think Ryan needs to be nicer to you before you two can even talk out your issues and apologize to one another. You understand him much more now and I think Ryan needs to hear what happened to you before he can understand you. You know?"

"Yeah. I just don't want him to hate me more than he does now."

"He doesn't hate you."

"He calls me 'Beta' and said he does it because he doesn't trust me."

"Ryan's hard to get anyway. It took me a few months before he trusted me completely. Now I can kiss him whenever I want and he doesn't get too upset," Brendon smirked. "Don't take it to heart. Ryan will warm up to you soon enough."

"Really?" I smiled.

"Really. You've got nothing to worry about."

"Okay."

"Umm, Brendon, can I ask you something?"

"Anything Nats," he sat upright in his chair. "Ask away."

"You said Ryan lets you kiss him?"

"Yep."

"Like on the lips?"

"Sometimes," he grinned. "Other times I have to do it on his cheek 'cause he turns his head."

"And he lets you?" I blinked.

"Yep. I'm straight...ish..., but I mostly kiss Ryan because he likes it." Brendon scanned my face, and stopped. "Oh Natalie, I thought you knew."

I furrowed my eyebrows, "Knew what?"

"Ryan's gay."

My heart sank and flew at the same time.  "Are you sure?"

"Positive," Brendon nodded. "Is that a problem?"

"No, he just didn't strike me that way," I ran a hand through my hair.

He shrugged, "Ryan is. Hey, look at it this way; you'll only have to worry about three guys falling for you instead of four."

i rolled my eyes as he gave a wink and a grin.


	13. No Apologies, No Telling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains the aftermath of Natalie's rape. If that's uncomfortable to you, please skip. If you wish to keep reading, it's between breaks so you can skip if needed.

After going to both Dr. Felicetti and Dr. Baron, I was quiet on the car ride home. I still couldn't come to grips with the fact that Ryan, according to Brendon, was gay. It made sense why Ryan disliked me. If he liked Brendon, seeing me with him probably put him off. Suddenly, I didn't blame him for his avid dislike of me. I frowned to myself. I liked Ryan and wanted things to be better between us. Part of me felt sad and hoped that he was bi so that maybe, _maybe_ there'd be a chance someday. 

"Natalie, are you okay?"

I looked away from the window and over to Brendon, who was staring at me with wide eyes, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah," I nodded.

Brendon looked at me for a few moments before turning to Ryan, "Ry, you've been quiet too. Are you okay?"

Ryan turned around from the passenger seat, "Peachy. I just don't want to talk while Beta's in the car."

My heart sank and Brendon frowned, "Ryan, come on. She said she was sorry. You've had two long appointments to get over it. Can't you forgive her?"

I did apologize. Brendon helped me come up with what I wanted to say and, after my appointment, I said sorry to Ryan. Dr. Baron, my new dentist, was about 30 minutes away from Dr. Felicetti, so I had that entire car ride to apologize. Ryan didn't say anything to me after I finished. He didn't even apologize for what he said.

"Can I forgive Beta?" Ryan raised his eyebrows. "No. Not right now."

"Why the hell not?" Brendon raised his voice.

"Yeah," Jon agreed. "She sincerely apologized."

"Stay out of this!" Ryan snapped. "Brendon, you really want me to apologize to Beta?"

Brendon looked upset, "Natalie, her name is _Natalie_ , and yes, I want you to apologize to her."

"Fine," Ryan turned his attention to me. "Beta. I'm sorry you were a bitch to me and I reacted to it. While it's not my fault that you were a street urchin and your brother abused you, it is somehow my fault that I called you on it. I'm sorry I think you're only hanging around us long enough to use us. I apologize. Oh, and I'm sorry that it's not worth my time to be nice to you. I mean, you're just a con-artist. You're a pathetic piece of shit that is not worth my time."

"Hey!" Spencer's tone was harsh. "Ryan, you are out of line, Brendon you need to calm down, and Jon…I don't know. Look, all of you just need to cool it."

With that, Ryan rolled his eyes and turned back around. Brendon flipped off Ryan with a scowl before looking at me. He gave me a sympathetic half-smile and I tried to return it but felt my lip quiver instead. Brendon noticed and held out his arms. I couldn't help myself. As water leaked from my eyes, I allowed myself to be coddled by Brendon. Why did Ryan think I was a liar? Why was he so mean to me?

"Is Natalie crying?" Jon asked from beside us.

Brendon nodded and held me tighter when a sob shook my body. I took a few deep breaths but continued to sob.

"There's a lot of traffic ahead," Spencer announced, "so we're about an hour or so from the house. That should give you time to calm down Ryan. When we get home, I hope you apologize correctly to Natalie."

"Whatever," Ryan grumbled. "You all are younger than me. You have no right to tell me what to do."

"But I'm older than you," Jon pointed out. "Natalie's _crying_ , Ryan. She's eighteen, lay off. She's just a kid."

Spencer sighed, "I apologize, Natalie. Ryan's usually nice. I don’t know what's gotten into him."

I said nothing. Instead, I buried myself deeper into Brendon's chest. I took a few more deep breaths. The smell of Red Bull and the mint fragrance of Burt's Bees chapstick filled my nose and calmed me down. I adjusted my position, leaning sideways as I rested my head in Brendon's lap, my feet planted on the car floor.

Brendon ran his hands through my hair, "Shh, you're okay. It's okay."

As I continued to cry, Brendon began to sing softly. "Give us this day our daily dose of faux affliction. Forgive our sins forged at the pulpit with forked tongues selling faux sermons…"

I closed my eyes and felt myself being pulled into a dream. One that was almost as tense as the situation I was in now.

* * *

_After Jack had had his way with me and finished twice, he let me go. The first thing I did was shower. I scrubbed at my skin so hard that I was red all over. Melissa had returned maybe an hour after Jack had raped me. She immediately began to cook dinner as I changed into a long sleeve shirt and pajama pants. Sure it was June and we lived in humid as hell Vegas, but I wanted to make sure that I was completely covered so my bruises wouldn't show. Of course, I couldn't hide the ones on my face very well, so I parted my hair in the center to cover the bruises on my left cheek and marks on my neck. I brushed my hair and finally came downstairs for dinner._

_"Thanks for making dinner, sis. You're the greatest!"_

_Jack seemed_ more sober _than he was earlier as he gave her an appropriate hug and kiss on her cheek. Melissa hugged him back and continued to stir something on the stove. I really admired her. She was eighteen and had graduated a semester early so she could get a job at House of Blues and take spring semester classes at University of Nevada. Now, she was taking summer classes in the morning, working at HOB in the afternoon, and still found the time to cook dinner and be an amazing big sister. I lingered in the doorway and watched my siblings talk while I thought about entering the kitchen._

_"Thanks, Jack," Melissa smiled. "I really needed to hear that. Things today were so hectic. You know, I woke up late so I rushed to class."_

_Jack filled a new glass with water from the faucet, "I'm listening, keep going."_

_"And then, on my drive to work, there was traffic cause of this accident. Ugh. The normal eight minutes to work took twenty. Then I get to work and this customer, who had like 6 beers, bitches me out about the fact that the manager told me not to serve him more. How is that my fault?"_

_"I have no idea. But we wouldn’t want him drinking and driving," Jack leaned against the counter._

_"I know!" Melissa huffed and stirred a different pot. "You drink yourself into a tizzy sometimes, but at least you have the decency to get a cab or walk home. Ugh, whatever. Customers can be a bitch sometimes. I guess that's what I get for being a server."_

_Jack chuckled. He was twenty-one so, of course, that made me the only minor in the house. I quietly entered the dining room and sat down in my chair around the circular table as usual. As soon as I sat, it took everything I had not to cry out in pain. A whimper escaped my throat and I quickly stood up._

_"So, Natalie," my sister turned to look at me, "how was your day?"_

_"Fine," I muttered, wandering to the freezer._

_She raised her eyebrows, "It's your last summer as a high school student. You're telling me nothing interesting has happened?"_

_"Yes, Sissy, nothing happened today," I lied, searching the freezer's contents for something I could sit on._

_Jack and I liked to call Melissa 'Sissy'. I still wasn't clear why, but our parents told me when they were alive that when Melissa was first born, he was happy to have a little sister so he called her 'Sissy'. When I came along and grew to be a toddler, Jack and I were birds of a feather so I started calling Melissa 'Sissy' because that's what Jack did. Sometimes, I wonder why Jack and I aren't so close anymore. Then, I remember…_

_It's cause he started drinking._

_"Okay. Well, it's your birthday Natalie. How does it feel being seventeen?"_

_'Painful,' I thought, but muttered, "It's fine."_

_I grabbed a bag of frozen peas and walked back to the table. Jack's eyes were glued to me as he finished his water and refilled it. Avoiding his glance, I sat down in my chair with the peas under my crotch. I would be lying if I said that having my virginity taken didn't hurt. I was sure that not everyone's first time was this painful and hoped that not every time hurt this much._

_Jack glanced at me, his lips curling into a knowing smile. "Are you in pain, Natalie?"_

_"No," I shook my head._

_If I said anything about the pain between my legs, then Melissa would know. I watched her take three plates out of the cabinet and place noodles on each one._

_"What about you Jack?" She asked. "How was your day?"_

_"I had fun today," Jack winked at me, causing a shiver to go up my spine._

_Melissa spooned tomato sauce and meatballs over the noodles, "What'd you do?"_

_"I started learning another song, Believe Me, Natalie. I'm really focused on The Killers, plus I want to be able to play it for our little sister whenever she wants," He grinned._

_"Aww, that's great. Well, dinner's ready!"_

_As Melissa turned off the stove, I took two glasses, filled them with iced tea, and grabbed three forks. Jack took one plate in his left hand, one in his right, and balanced the third on his forearm, before headed to the table. I placed Melissa's tea and fork on her placemat and took my seat back on the frozen peas. Melissa took her spot next to me at the table just as Jack began to pass out the plates._

_He set his on the placemat across from me, "One for me," he placed Melissa's plate in front of her, "one for Sissy, and…" he set mine in front of me, "one for little Lee."_

_I swallowed the vomit that burned my throat, "_ Thanks _, Jack."_

_Throughout dinner, Jack didn't take his eyes off of me for more than ten seconds. I tried to avoid his glances by keeping the conversation steady with Melissa, but it wasn't working._

_"Who's ready for cake?"_

_"I am," I smiled._

_"I'll get the lights," Jack stood._

_Melissa took our plates into the kitchen and lit the candles on the cake. Jack turned out the lights. I watched as my sister brought the cake to the table and placed it in front of me._

_"Happy birthday to you," Jack began, squeezing my shoulder._

_Melissa sat in her chair, "Happy birthday to you."_

_"Happy birthday dear Natalie," they sang._

_"Happy birthday to you," Melissa smiled. "Now blow out the candles."_

_Jack kissed my cheek, "Make a wish little Lee."_

_I closed my eyes, thinking of a wish before blowing out the candles. I opened my eyes and the room was dark. Melissa clapped and Jack placed his lips near my ear._

_"Tell Sissy about today, I'll make you'll regret it."_

* * *

A scream exited my throat as I sat upright. Looking around, I noticed I was on my bed in my room. How did I get here? I looked to my left, my eyes falling Brendon. His lips were pulled into a pout and he was looking at me with sad eyes.

"Natalie, are you okay?"

I sighed, "Brendon, I…just had a bad dream."

"It was about Jack wasn't it?"

I said nothing, only looked away to hide from his eyes.

"Oh, Natalie," Brendon wrapped his arms around me. "It's okay."

"Brendon," my bottom lip began to quiver and before I knew it, I was crying into his chest again.

"Don't worry, okay? You're safe here. He's not going to get you."

"I was so scared. It wasn't a dream…it actually happened. A year ago….God, Bren, I'm so scared."

Without a word, Brendon cupped my cheeks in his hands, raising my face so he could look into my eyes. My heart felt like it had been jump started. No one had ever touched me like this or gotten this close to my face with their own since Melissa and Jack.

"I love you, Natalie," Brendon whispered.

"You've told me that before," I mentioned.

"Yeah, but I mean it, just like the last time I said it."

I raised my eyebrows, "What?"

"I know this is fast and all, but I'm willing to take it as slow as you want. I love you, Natalie. I'll treat you right, I promise. Just tell me right now, so I don't waste my time. Do you love me too?"

"Like, as more than a friend?"

"Yes," Brendon nodded.

I thought about it for a moment, "Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes. Just…don't hit me, Brendon," I locked eyes with him. "This is hard enough for me already."

Brendon's eyes widened, "I can never imagine hitting you. That is, unless we were doing it and you wanted me to smack your butt." A smirk formed on his lips for a moment but was replaced with a serious face. "Seriously though, I will never abuse you, Natalie. I promise."

"Good," I smiled.

We were quiet for a moment until Brendon spoke up, "So, can I kiss you right now?"

My heart began to pound again as I nodded. I'd never been kissed on the lips by anyone except for Jack, so the thought of being consensually kissed excited me. Brendon raised my chin with his finger and slowly lowered his lips to mine. My arms slid around his neck while my lips kissed his back. After what seemed like hours, Brendon pulled away and leaned his forehead against mine.

"I love you, Natalie."

My voice shook as I uttered a phrase that I hadn't said in years. "I love you too."


	14. Head vs. Heart

Ryan stared up at the ceiling with his hands behind his head. Today did not go well at all. He didn't mean to call her out about her past, but he couldn't help it. Ryan rolled over in bed and closed his eyes. There was Natalie with tears flowing from her dark eyes as she rested her head against Brendon.

"I'm such an ass!" He groaned.

Opening his eyes, he rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling again. Why was he so mean to Natalie? Was it because she was naïve? He thought back to the times when he'd heard her speak and shook his head. She seemed intelligent, which was nice since most girls they'd talked to weren't as bright as the tanning beds they'd climbed out of. So, naïveté wasn't it.

Was it the way she looked? Ryan scoffed at himself before he could even think about it further. She wasn't smoking hot, but she wasn't bad to look at either. On his scale, she was a 5 ½, maybe a 6. In other words, she wasn't even on his radar.

"What's my problem?"

Just then, his thoughts were interrupted by Natalie's screams. Ryan sighed, another nightmare. He pushed the blankets off his legs and started to stand when her screams stopped suddenly. Oh yeah, Brendon was with her.

Brendon.

Why did he feel a twinge of jealousy when he thought about him with Natalie? He shook his head and stood up anyway. Even if Brendon was with her, he still needed to check on Natalie. It normally took a few minutes to calm her down after a nightmare, and he was sure that Brendon would burst into the room asking for help in a matter of time. Ryan walked into the bathroom that conjoined their rooms.

"Natalie?" he whispered.

Ryan slowly opened the door to her room, his eyes widening at what he saw: Brendon's lips on Natalie's. He blinked a few times but when he stared at the scene again, his mind only confirmed what he saw. Brendon and Natalie were kissing. Her arms around his neck, her eyes closed tightly, Brendon's left hand cupping her cheek as he leaned into her body.

No.

No, no, no! This couldn't be happening. Ryan shook his head and closed the door. The tile felt colder on his feet as he walked back to his room and shut the door behind him.

 _'No,'_ Ryan thought, _'They can't seriously be together. It's too soon. Besides, if they are together now, which I hope they're not, they won't last. If Natalie was abused the way I think she was abused, she won't be with Brendon for long. He's too horny for his own good.'_

He gave a frustrated sigh and crawled back into bed. Why did he even care whether Brendon and Natalie were together or not? Natalie was temporary. He didn't understand why the guys didn't understand that as soon as the tour picked up, she would be back on the streets again. Ryan suddenly felt his heart sink at that thought.

They were scheduled to start touring next month in October, starting with the United Kingdom. Natalie would be well adjusted by then, and they'd have to leave her behind to face her fate on the streets.

_'Poor girl. She doesn’t deserve that.'_

Ryan rubbed his eyes. Ever since his dad died, he'd been doing his best to ignore his conscience. He'd been doing more of what his head wanted and not what his heart wanted. After the funeral, he had ignored the feelings of sadness, hurt, and anger towards his father by locking it away deep inside. He never wanted to deal with it again, and with it locked away, he wouldn't have to.

Perhaps now, with Natalie here, his heart was tired of being ignored.

_'She's younger than Brendon, and you wouldn't toss him out. She belongs with Panic! Apologize and tell her to stay.'_

His head objected to everything his heart was feeling, but he knew what he had to do. Tomorrow, he was going to sincerely apologize to Natalie.

* * *

"Melissa!"

The nineteen-year-old girl sighed and pulled off her rubber gloves. She'd been up to her wrists in vomit-soaked towels, cleaning the bathroom from Jack's meeting with the toilet bowl. She had warned him not to drink after his gig, but of course, he never listened to her. As a result, this was her punishment-cleaning vodka vomit. It was during times like these that Melissa was thankful that Natalie was able to get out. There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't worry or wonder about their baby sister. Her heart told her that Natalie was okay and found a loving family, but her head reminded her that she was probably in a shelter, on the streets somewhere, or possibly dead.

"Dammit, Melissa, get down here now!"

She tightened her long, dark brown ponytail while descending the stairs, her heart pounding loudly in her ears. If he had to call her one more time, there was no doubt that she was going to get it. Entering the living room, Melissa stood in front of her older brother who sat smugly in a recliner, his dark eyes glued on the television in front of him.

"Yes, Jack?" She breathed.

"There you are," Jack grinned. "Come here."

He leaned forward and grabbed Melissa's hand, pulling her until she was practically sitting on top of him in the recliner. Jack wrapped his arms around her lovingly and kissed her forehead. Her heart almost stopped. He hadn't hugged her like this or kissed her forehead like this since Natalie was around, back when they'd first lost their parents.

Back when he was sober.

She looked up at him with wide brown eyes, her voice quivering as she spoke, "Jack, what are you doing?"

"I'm hugging my little sister."

"But, why?"

"Because you do such a good job around the house."

She quickly pushed him away and stood up, "Look, Jack, if you're going to hit me, just hit me. Don't sit there and fuck with me by hugging me and kissing me like that."

"But 'Lissa-"

"Don't you dare call me by my nickname either," Melissa shook her head. "Don't make me think that there's a sober Jack inside of you when I know that all you are is a drunk, incestuous, abuser! Don't make me hope, Jack. I'm tired of hoping."

She turned on her heel and ran upstairs to finish cleaning the mess he'd left. Jack sighed. He knew that what his sister said was the truth. It hurt him to even look her in the eyes anymore. He'd done horrible things to her and their baby sister, and he knew that. That was why he'd drink every night. A bottle of beer or a tall glass of vodka would make him forget. But instead, it made him hurt the two people he cared about more than anything in this world. It even made one of them run away.

He knew he had to get sober. Not only was he destroying his liver, but he was destroying the only family he had left. But, every time he tried not to drink, he'd feel awful. All the memories that he didn't want to remember came flooding back to him and he'd run straight back to the bottle.

Jack got off the recliner and ran upstairs after Melissa. When he found her in the bathroom, she was scrubbing the floor with tears in her eyes. She sobbed and wrung out a towel into the tub.

"Melissa?"

She wiped her cheeks on her shoulder, "What?"

"Melissa, I'm sorry for drinking. I know it doesn't help things when I yell and hit you. It's just…life's been hard for the both of us since Natalie ran away, and drinking helps me cope."

She scoffed, "What was your excuse for drinking before Natalie ran away?"

"When mom and dad died, I had to take care of you two," Jack leaned against the doorway. "I was stressed and, when I saw the wine that mom and dad had, I took a sip and it made me feel better. I guess I just never stopped drinking. It made me feel better every time."

Melissa stared at her brother, "If you were stressed, you should have told us. We would have helped you. You were not alone in this. They were our parents too."

"I know! I just…"

"You've ruined our family, you know that right?" She scrubbed at the floor furiously, her voice breaking. "You've utterly _destroyed_ me. I'm sure Natalie's the same, if not worse. You've beaten me, _raped_ me…and what’s your excuse? That's right, alcohol. Can't you see that it's made you a monster? You're so fucking lucky I haven't had you arrested. And, what makes it worse is that you don't stop. You don't even try."

"I've tried before. It's just…it's hard."

Melissa slammed the towel on the floor, "You know what else is hard? Having to explain to Natalie that it was nothing she did that caused you to hit her, that her older brother is just drunk and then having to lie to her and tell her that we're both going to be okay."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry doesn't make the fact that you raped Natalie okay. She's our baby sister, Jack." Jack's eyes widened and Melissa scoffed again. "Oh, you didn't think I knew about that, huh? Do you seriously think that I thought Natalie was going out and having sex with random guys? I'm not an idiot! God, Jack, she had a pregnancy scare because of you! And it's all because you drink to 'cope'."

"Melissa-"

"No! Our baby sister ran away from home…all because you were in a drunken rage."

Jack hung his head, "Look, 'Lissa, I need you to help me stop drinking."

"Right."

"No, I'm serious Melissa. I need help."

Melissa sighed, "I know you do."


	15. Next Time

"What's that smell?"

I looked over my shoulder just in time to see Jon wandering into the kitchen. He yawned and rubbed the back of his neck before leaning against the counter.

Jon raised his eyebrows, "You made waffles?"

"That's my job," I poured the last of the batter onto the waffle iron. "I'm supposed to cook for you guys and clean, while you give me a home in exchange. I hope you like chocolate chips."

"Those are chocolate chip waffles?!"

I laughed at Jon's excitement and watched as Spencer entered the kitchen next. Before Spencer could say 'good morning', Jon shoved the plate of cooked waffles in his face.

"Spence, she made chocolate chip waffles!"

"I can see that," Spencer yawned. "Thanks, Natalie."

"You're welcome," I smiled.

Grabbing five plates from the cabinet, Jon headed to the dining room and began to set the table with Spencer.

"Ryan! Brendon! Get your asses down here!" Spencer called. "Natalie made chocolate chip waffles!"

I heard the sound of footsteps rushing down the stairs. Brendon, who was close behind Ryan on the stairs, pushed him out of the way, causing Ryan to ram into the wall. Ryan swore, rubbed his shoulder, and followed Brendon through the living room and into the kitchen.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Ryan scolded.

"Morning, Natalie," Brendon grinned. "I heard talk of chocolate chip waffles. Where are they?"

Ryan continued, "If I had dislocated my shoulder, Panic! would have been without a guitarist."

"They're on the table," I removed the last four waffles from the iron. "Everyone gets four or five, I think. I can't remember. I just know that I made a lot."

"You don't even care do you, Brendon?" Ryan sat on Spencer's left.

Jon placed four waffles on everyone's plate while I headed to the table with the new waffles. Brendon took a bottle of syrup from the cabinet and set it in the middle of the table next to the stack of waffles. Jon sat on Spencer's right and the two of them put waffles on their plates.

Ryan took two waffles, "I bet if I pushed you into the wall, you'd be pissed."

"Oh my God!" Brendon sat on Ryan's left. "You're such a little drama queen. I barely pushed you."

"Ryan, are you okay?" I asked, taking my seat between Brendon and Jon.

"I'm fine," he replied.

"You have to remember that Ryan's lighter than a feather," Spencer joked. "You barely poke him and he goes a long way."

"Ha. Ha." Ryan frowned.

"Come on guys, don't joke with him. You know he's not a morning person," Jon reminded.

"You're right," Brendon leaned over and kissed Ryan on the cheek. "I'm sorry Princess Ryro, do you forgive me?"

Ryan nodded.

"These are fucking delicious!" Spencer eagerly grabbed another waffle. "What's in them?"

"I don't know," I bit into a waffle, "chocolate chips and Bisquick."

"It's so good!" Jon swallowed.

I smiled, "Thanks."

"Hey, Spencer, Jon, Ryan," Brendon took a sip of orange juice, "can I ask you guys something?"

"Sure," blinked Ryan.

Jon nodded his head.

"What's up?" Spencer asked.

Brendon took a deep breath, "Can she come with us on tour?"

"By 'she', do you mean Natalie?"

"Yes, we can't leave her behind. After all, she's my girlfriend."

"She's all of our girlfriends," scoffed Jon, "especially if all of her meals are this delicious."

"No," Brendon shook his head. "She's my _girlfriend_ girlfriend."

Spencer and Jon looked at me with wide eyes while Ryan silently ate his waffles.

Jon gaped, "You kissed?"

"Yes," I panicked. "I woke up screaming and Brendon, who had fallen asleep with me, calmed me down. But not in a dirty way."

"Our feelings sort of came out and, when she said it was okay, I kissed her," Brendon finished.

"Is that okay, or should I go ahead and pack my bags? God, I hope that it's okay."

Spencer shrugged, "I don't mind."

"Me either," Jon agreed. "I knew it was a matter of time before one of us developed feelings for you and vice versa."

"Why did you think you'd have to leave? We like you, Natalie. The only way you're leaving is if you get tired of us and want to leave."

I felt myself relax, "Really?"

"Really," Jon and Spencer smiled.

"Besides," rationalized Spencer, "you have a boyfriend here now. You can't just leave him."

"True," I nodded.

"I'm glad you guys are okay with me and Natalie dating," Brendon looked around the table, "but my question wasn't really answered. Can Natalie come on tour with us?"

"We don't care," Jon shrugged, "it's just a matter of if Natalie wants to or not."

"Do you want to come on tour with us, Natalie?" Spencer looked at me.

"Um…" I looked around the table at the boys. All of them looked hopeful that I would say 'yes', even Ryan. "Sure."

"It's settled then. You're sticking with us!"

I gave a relieved sigh, "Thank you. Um, I have a few questions for Ryan."

Ryan pointed at himself, "Me?"

"Yes," I bit my lip. "Ryan…do you want me around? I mean, do you even like me? I know yesterday was a bad day and all, but-"

"Yes and yes."

"Really?"

"Yes," he fiddled with his napkin. "I kind of wanted to say something to you last night but I…didn't get the chance to. So I slept on it last night and decided that I was going to apologize to you. I honestly want you around Natalie. I'm sorry for the way I acted. My head and my heart haven't exactly been in sync lately. I'm sure the guys have told you. Do you forgive me for being mean to you?"

I stared at him in shock. I couldn't believe he was apologizing, "Yes, Ryan."

He looked up at me, our eyes locking for a moment as he smiled. My heart jumped over a beat and began pumping like mad. Just like when Brendon cupped my cheeks and locked eyes with me the night before. I quickly broke eye contact and looked down at my plate, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. What was going on?

"What else did you want to ask me?" Ryan asked. "You said you had a few questions and, in my book, that means three. You only asked me two."

"Oh. It's a little personal, but Brendon says that you're gay…is that true?" Brendon, Jon, and Spencer started to cough, probably from choking on their waffles. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, "It's okay if you are. It's just, Brendon says you are and, if you are, I want to apologize for being so open with Brendon in front of you if you're still into him. Bren says he kisses you because you like it. I just…it's not my business, I know, but I kinda wanted to hear it from you whether you were gay or straight or bi...or whatever."

"I'm not gay," he stated, before looking at the man between us. "Brendon, why did you tell her I was gay?"

The color drained from Brendon's face, "You were being mean to her and I just…" his voice trailed off as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Ryan's eyes narrowed, "Just what, Brendon?"

"I figured the only reason why you were being mean to her, even talking to her for that matter, was because you like her." Jon, Spencer, and I gaped at Brendon. "I knew that, when it comes to girls you don’t like, you don't talk to them period. If you don’t like a girl, you don't do what you were doing to Natalie. So, I knew it wasn't that you didn't like her. It had to be something else."

"He's right," Spencer and Jon muttered.

"I figured that you had feelings for her. You know how I am with girls. Whenever we meet a new girl that's attractive, it's like I'm competing against you guys to see who can get her first. I figured Spencer would have brotherly feelings towards her since you found her, Jon would catch on the fact that he wants her later on, and you would notice your feelings almost as quickly as I would notice mine." Brendon sighed. "Ryan, I thought that if I told her you were gay then, when you eventually came around to asking her out, I would have won her heart without having to worry about Natalie falling for you."

"Wow," Ryan sighed. "That's…wow."

"I know. I'm sorry Ryan, really I am. I'm sorry Natalie," Brendon frowned. "I just liked you so much-"

I placed my finger on his lips to silence him, "I completely understand. I forgive you."

"Really?"

I kissed his cheek.

"Thank you," Brendon turned to Ryan. "Do you forgive me?"

Ryan paused for a moment before nodding, "Yes, Brendon, I forgive you-"

"Yay! I still have my best friend and now I have a girlfriend."

"However, I do have a suggestion for you Bren."

"What's that?"

"Next time you pursue a girl, you might want to let her decide who she wants to be with, before you think ahead and make her believe that an eligible candidate for her boyfriend is gay," Ryan caught my eyes and smirked. "In the long run, that just might make it harder for you to maintain her as your girlfriend."

"Okay, I'll remember that for next time," Brendon looked at me lovingly, "if there is a next time."

Ryan didn't take his eyes off of me, "Oh, something tells me that there will definitely be a next time."


	16. First Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brief description and mention of rape.

"Pssst, Natalie."

I was sitting on my bed, brushing my wet hair, and contemplating what I was going to cook for breakfast in the morning. At the sound of my name, I immediately stopped brushing and focused my eyes on the door in front of me. The sight of Brendon's head peaking between the door and the door frame made me smile.

"What are you doing here?" I checked my watch. "It's...twelve fifteen in the morning, shouldn't you be asleep?"

Brendon chuckled, "I could say the same for you."

"Hey, I'm only up because I finished doing all of the laundry for you guys about twenty minutes ago. See these PJs? I just got out of the shower."

His eyes slowly moved from my eyes to my blue tank top and down to the light blue Paul Frank bottoms which covered my folded legs. I took the time to give him a once over. A pair of blue checkered boxer shorts hung to the middle of Brendon's thighs and I couldn't help but admire the way his yellow shirt hugged his torso.

"Ooh, yeah, sorry about that." Brendon's voice snapped me out of thoughts.

I blinked, "Huh?"

"I said that you look cute and that I was sorry about all the laundry," he rubbed the back of his neck. "We don't do laundry a lot, probably once or maybe twice a month. It's pretty much just grab the cleanest thing and wear it."

My eyebrows rose, "No wonder it took me this long to finish."

"You probably started late," Brendon leaned his frame against the doorway.

"I started at five at night! I should have been done by eight or nine at the latest."

A smile curled on his pouty lips. I twisted my hair and wrapped it around in circles to create a bun, before stretching a ponytail holder over it to secure my hair in place.

"So," I sighed, "what did you come in here for?"

Brendon shrugged, "I wanted to see if you'd come downstairs with me…for a midnight snack."

"That's a euphemism for something isn't it?"

"No. It's cute how suspicious you are."

"Of course I'm suspicious," I blinked. "I'm still getting the hang of things around here."

"But I'm your boyfriend, Natalie," Brendon pouted. "You don't have to be suspicious of me. Don't you trust me?"

"I do trust you."

"Then will you come downstairs with me?"

"Brendon, I-"

With a pout on his lips, he laced his fingers and held his hands underneath his chin. "Oh, Natalie, please?"

There was something about Brendon's face that I couldn't say 'no' to. He wasn't like Jack, none of the guys were. I gave a shrug and nod before the two of us left my room. Brendon seemed excited that I was coming along, but I thought it was just his normal personality. It wasn't until we headed down the carpeted stairs and into the living room that I noticed the living room wasn't how I had left it earlier.

My hands flew to my mouth in shock. Candles were scattered around the dimly lit room. The curtains were drawn and the couch was pushed against the wall. Two bean bag chairs were placed side by side on the floor in front of the coffee table which held a vase of flowers and three medium sized bowls filled with pretzel sticks, Chex Mix, and marshmallows. Beside the bowls were cans of Red Bull, Coca-Cola, and Sprite. Soft music pumped from the speakers of an iHome in the corner of the room. It was amazing.

"Surprise!" Brendon kissed my cheek. "I wanted the two of us to have a date, but I wasn't sure if you wanted to go out or not. I waited until you were in the shower and the guys were upstairs to set this up for us. Don't worry about cleaning it, honey. I promise I'll do it when you go to bed. I just wanted us to have this moment, with the two of us, without the guys. I want to get to know you better and…I want you to get to know me to make sure you really like me and want to be my-"

I covered his lips with my own to silence him. Nothing had prepared me for this. I hadn't imagined that Brendon would do this for me-for us! His hands cradled my cheeks while he gently kissed me back. A few moments later, we breathlessly let each other go.

Brendon leaned his forehead against mine, "I guess that means you like it."

"Uh-uh," I shook my head. "I love it."

He took my hand and led me to the coffee table. We each sat down on a bean bag, getting comfortable before starting our date.

"So, Natalie," Brendon raised an eyebrow, "what do you want to know about me?"

I bit into a pretzel stick thoughtfully. "Well, I know that your name is Brendon and that your last name is Urie. What's your middle name?"

Brendon bowed his head, "You're gonna laugh."

I furrowed my brow, "What? Why?"

"My middle name isn't one that's very common."

"So? I'm not going to laugh at that."

"Yes, you will. Most people do. Hell, it took ten minutes to get the guys to calm down when I mentioned it."

I chuckled, "Oh, come on! It can't be that bad. Just tell me."

"Fine," Brendon agreed. "My middle name is…Boyd."

"Boyd?"

"Boyd."

My lips curled into a smile, but I didn't feel the urge to laugh. He was right. Boyd wasn't a usual middle name. I looked over at Brendon and noticed his cheeks beginning to flush.

"It's cute," I smiled to myself. "Brendon Boyd Urie. That's really cute."

Brendon popped a marshmallow into his mouth, "Well, thank you. What's your middle name?"

"Um, jeez, my middle name. I'm glad you asked because that's an interesting story." I opened a Sprite and took a sip.

"I have time."

I sighed, "Okay. Well, before I can tell you my middle name, you have to understand something about my parents. They were extreme nerd brainiacs."

Brendon covered his mouth with one hand, stifling his laughter.

"I'm serious! My dad was a high school physics teacher and my mom was a junior high math teacher. They were super nerds. They were into mind puzzles and trivia and brain teasers, you know, all of that stuff that confuses people. Anyway, my parents really enjoyed stumping people and they figured that nothing would be better than to make their kids names a brain teaser."

"What?" Brendon shook his head. "That's insane!"

"I know," I groaned. "Because of that, it's always really confusing when I explain this to people. Are you ready?"

"Yes, I'm listening. Go!"

"Okay. There's three of us: my brother Jack, my sister Melissa, and then me. Jack's middle name is Marvin. Then they had Melissa. Her middle name is Natasha. Then they had me. My name is Natalie. Think about that for a second."

Brendon's brow was knitted tightly together as he thought through everything I'd said.

"Do you get it?" I took another pretzel.

"Not really. I mean Jack Marvin, Melissa Natasha, and then Natalie I-don't-know-your-middle-name."

"Think long and hard. Did you notice a little repetition of the letters?"

Brendon's face was still screwed up in thought, just like everyone else's expressions when I mentioned what my parents had cleverly come up with.

Chuckling, I began to explain. "Jack's middle name starts with an 'M', so does my sister's first name. Melissa's middle name starts with an 'N', and-"

"-so does your first name!" Brendon gasped. "I think I got it! Let me get this straight, your parents used the letter of the middle name of the current kid to create the first name for the next kid?"

"Yep."

"That's confusing."

"I told you!" I sipped my Sprite.

Brendon smirked, "But that still doesn't explain what your middle name is. After all, you were the last kid."

"My middle name is Jillian."

"Ooh, Natalie Jillian Whistler. I like it!"

I could feel my cheeks redden at the sound of my name on his tongue, "Thank you."

"Is that based on the same system?" questioned Brendon, his fingers opening the tab of a Red Bull.

"Yes. Well…kind of. Since my parents were done having kids, they based my middle name off of the 'J' in Jack's first name."

"Oh, so that's where Jillian comes from?" A soft laugh left Brendon's throat. "That's cute."

I made a face, "What's so funny? How is that cute?"

"All that came to my mind is Jack and Jill."

* * *

_"Come on Jill," Jack grinned._

_"Stop it! Don't call me that!"_

_I felt him kiss my neck and whimpered in fear beneath him. My hands were pinned above my head, rendering me completely helpless. His hand firmly met my cheek. I cried out_

_Jack ran his tongue from my chin to my cheek before roughly taking my lips. "Jack and Jill went up the hill, to have a little fuck. Jack thrust in and broke her skin and Jill came screaming soon after."_

* * *

 

I shook my head to rid my mind of the unfriendly memory. I tried to play it off by tucking a stray hair behind my ear, but Brendon noticed.

"Are you okay?" He raised his Red Bull can to his lips.

"Uh, yeah," I shifted on my bean bag. "I was talking to Jon the other day and he said you were a vegetarian?"

"Yep!"

"Were you always a vegetarian, or was it a choice? Like, did something happen?"

"That's a long story of my own. See, my dad took me on this Mormon trip where we shot diseased rabbits. I shot one and, apparently, I didn't kill him. They kept telling me to 'put it out of its misery'."

My eyes were wide, "Aw, that's horrible!"

"I know," Brendon rubbed his eyes, "I heard the rabbit scream. It was awful. I quit meat after that."

"I know religion is a touchy subject, but are you still Mormon?"

"No, I left. It was nice, but it wasn't for me. What are you? Is it okay if I ask?"

"Me?" I chuckled. "Christian, I guess. I mean, we used to go to church a lot. Then, all of the sudden we didn't. Though, everyone in my family is christened or baptized or whatever you feel comfortable to calling it. I know it's called different things from each religion."

Brendon smiled, "That's cool. That wasn't so touchy, was it?"

"No," I smiled back, "you're right, it wasn't."

We spent the next hour talking about our interests, our favorite, and our least favorite things. He learned that I love peanut butter sandwiches, ginger ale, and what I did before I was on the streets. I learned that Brendon doesn't puke much, loves Red Bull, has two brothers and two sisters, and he also has a tendency to say things he doesn't mean.

Brendon stretched, "Now, onto the next topic: your brother, Jack."

I visibly flinched.

"Natalie, you told me and the guys that he hit you but…I don’t know…I feel like you're still hiding something from us about him."

"That's silly, Bren. I'm not hiding anything."

"You scream in your sleep, honey." Brendon chewed his lip. "If you don't want to tell me, just say so, but I just feel like I need to know if there's something that Jack did to you that will affect our relationship. If there's something you're not telling me, you can tell me. I won't tell the guys. It will be between us until you're ready to tell the guys."

My eyes began to water, "Brendon…"

"I'm sorry Natalie. I just don't want to do something that will make you feel uncomfortable."

"You're right. You should know everything, you're my boyfriend. You need to know what happened so you know how to handle me." I sniffed, "But…um…you have to promise that you won't tell the guys. Okay? I'll tell them when I'm ready to tell them."

Brendon wiped my eyes with his thumbs and held my hands, "You have my word."

"Thank you," I took a deep breath. "Okay, where to start? I've told you some of this already, but um, Jack didn't use to be like that. He was a nice big brother. He cared about my sister and I and he loved us. After our parents died, he had to take care of us. He started drinking…"

"It's okay. Take your time."

"He'd play his guitar to make money so we could live. My sister got a job at House of Blues to make ends meet as well. Um…Jack was a little out of hand when he was drunk...like I told you a few days ago, he'd hit my sister and me. But sometimes…I'm sorry Brendon. I can't. I can't do it."

The tears were flowing from my eyes and I could feel my throat tighten as a sob worked its way up.

"Yes, you can," Brendon kissed my hand. "Just take your time. What happened, Natalie?"

I shook my head.

"Natalie, what happened?"

"I can't…I can't. It's too horrible."

"What did he do to you? You told me he hit you. What can be worse than that?"

My lips trembled as I whispered, "Rape."

"W-what?" Brendon's face was vacant.

"Please don't make me say it again."

He dropped my hands. His lips were parted. He looked away from me and then back to me. His eyebrows were knitted again, "Are you…are you serious?"

"Jack raped my sister first. Then, he raped me a few weeks later."

"How many times did this his happen, Natalie?" Brendon lowered his voice.

I held up three fingers, "But he tried to…other times. He was only successful three..."

"Natalie."

"I can…understand if you don't want me. You know, since I'm broken."

Brendon slowly wrapped his arms around me, "Don't be silly. I still want you and I still love you. I swear."

"Thank you. I'm so scared, Brendon." Hot tears left my eyes and stained his shirt. "I have nightmares. I don't want him to come back."

"Shh."

"Will you…I know you said you wouldn't, but-"

"I will never hit you and I will certainly never rape you." Brendon's voice was firm enough for me to believe him, yet gentle enough to comfort me. "Neither will Ryan, Jon, or Spencer. You're safe, Natalie. I promise. We're not going to let anything happen to you."

"Don't let me go, Brendon."

"I won't."


	17. A Box and a Song

"What's all of this?"

I stood at the top of the stairs with my eyebrows furrowed as my eyes traveled to the large cardboard box sitting in the center of the living room. Curiosity got the better of me and before I knew it, I was hurrying down the stairs. Jon sat on the arm of the couch, his head down and his thumb swirling in circles on the iPod he held in his hand. Brendon began to dig inside the box, pulling out various t-shirts.

Spencer stuck his head out of the kitchen, "Oh, Natalie! There you are. Look what we got you!"

"Shirts," Brendon pushed his glasses up, "with our band name on 'em!"

He reached into the box and lifted up a baby blue polo with a dark plant on the bottom left-hand side. Surrounding the plant were others colors and at the bottom Panic! at the Disco was written in old letters. Folding the shirt, he placed it to the side and opened a can of Red Bull.

"We figured you could wear about a medium, so we ordered you our shirts," Jon added.

There had to have been at least nine or ten shirts and two hoodies inside of the box. I raised my eyebrows, "All of these are mine?"

"Yep," Brendon took a sip of his drink.

"Thanks, guys, but I've never really listened to your music. I mean, I've only heard like one of your songs. I don't want to run around at your concerts with your band's name on my chest like I'm your biggest fan when I-"

"-Ryan said you'd say that," Jon held up the iPod in his hand and tossed it to me. Luckily, I caught it. "It's yours. It has all of our songs and our video for 'I Write Sins' on it. Plus, some of our friend's songs as well."

"Honey, have you heard of Fall Out Boy?" asked Brendon.

I smiled, "Yeah, I love them. Patrick's voice is amazing! He's not bad looking either. My friends from school would drool over Pete Wentz, but I liked Patrick." Realizing what I was saying in ramblings, I raised my hand to my lips and nervously chewed at a hangnail on my ring finger. "Sorry, Bren."

"No big deal," Brendon shrugged his shoulders and turned to Jon. "I told you she'd love them."

"That iPod has their songs and videos on it too," Spencer added.

"Great!" I scrolled through the playlists. "'A Fever You Can't Sweat Out'. Can I take this box upstairs?"

"Sure, it's yours."

Placing the earbuds in my ears, I hit the play button on my new iPod and grabbed my box. As I headed up the stairs, Panic!'s music pumped through the tiny speakers I listened to their album for the first time.

* * *

Later that day, I was happy to say that loved 'A Fever You Can't Sweat Out'. I had even managed to listen to their album enough times that the lyrics were starting to stick and I even had some phrases and choruses memorized. Since I was finished with picking up around the house, I decided to fix my now fizzy hair.

I sat on the couch with my legs folded, a brush in my lap, and my hands tangled in my hair. French braiding was a skill that I could never master and a job that my sister always had to do for me. I sighed with aggravation. My arms were growing tired and my hair wasn't becoming the beautifully braided ponytail I imagined.

"Ugh!" I sighed, removing my hands from my hair. "Just forget it."

"Forget what?"

The voice made me jump. I turned around to find Spencer standing in the doorway.

"I'm trying to French braid my stupid hair," I began untangling my hair with a brush. "I can never do it right."

Chuckling, he sat beside me. "Not with that attitude, you can't. Give me the brush."

"Why?" I scoffed. "It's not like you know how to french braid."

"Actually, I do."

I stared at him with wide eyes. He smiled at my surprise and took the brush from my hands, before making a circular motion with his index finger. I adjusted my position and allowed my hair to hang down my back. My biased thoughts ran through my head as he ran the brush gently through my hair. He was a boy. How did he know how to french braid?

"Thank you," I uttered.

"It's cool. I have two younger sisters," Spencer mentioned, "so I'm used to it. It started with the two of them teaching me how to do Barbie's hair and then they'd come to me to do their hair when they were bored. Why they didn't just do each other's hair is beyond me."

I smiled, "I was probably entertainment. And if you screwed up their hair, it'd be fun to run to mom and dad and snitch on you to get you in trouble."

"How did you know that that's what happened?"

"My sister and I would do that to Jack sometimes. We'd purposely tell him to do something that would tangle our hair or something. When he couldn't untangle it, we'd get him in trouble."

"That's so messed up!"

"Isn't it?" I chuckled. "Say, Spencer?"

"Uh-huh? Hair tie, please."

I slid a brown tie from around my wrist and handed it to him. "Who writes all the lyrics for the band?"

"That'd be Ryan, mostly."

"Oh…but he seems so quiet."

"Yeah, I think he puts everything he wants to say into his lyrics, you know? He couldn't exactly say how he felt back in his house, what with his dad…." Spencer touched my shoulders. "All done."

Raising my right hand, I touched the back of my head and ran my fingers down the length of the braid Spencer had created. Memories of sitting in front of Melissa while she braided my hair flooded my brain. I shook my head.

"Are you okay?" His questioned.

I faced him, "I'm fine. Um, thanks for braiding my hair."

"Don't mention it. Look, Natalie, I promise he'll talk to you more when he gets to know you better."

"I hope so. I don't want a lot of tension on the tour bus you know?"

"It'll be all right. Trust me," smiled Spencer.

I nodded and got to my feet, and went back up to my room. As I ascended the stairs, I realized that I hadn't seen much of Ryan today. Everyone else had made an appearance, but Ryan was practically a ghost since dinner last night. Instead of going straight to my room, I crept down the hall and stood outside of Ryan's bedroom. The door was closed. I raised my fist to knock when an idea sprang into my head.

I quickly went into my room, shut the door behind me, and carefully went into the bathroom I shared with Ryan. I wasn't sure of what I was doing, or if it was even going to work, but I had to give it a shot.

"Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears," my voice quivered as I sang. "And keep telling yourself that…I'm a diva."

Leaning on the counter, I admired myself in the mirror to make myself look 'busy' in case he came in. I wasn't sure why I was singing one of Panic's songs, but something told me it was going to get a reaction from Ryan -which was exactly what I wanted. I hummed the remainder of the verse until I got to the chorus.

"I'm the new cancer, never looked better, and you can't stand it," I sang a little louder. "Cause you say so under your breath…you're reading lips, 'When did he get all confident'? Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer? Never looked better and you-"

"Excuse me."

I jumped. Ryan was standing in the doorway to his bedroom, his arms folded across his chest. He wore a shirt and pajama bottoms and his hair was messy.

"Ryan!" My heart pounded, "What are you doing? I could have been naked."

He scoffed, "But you're not. You're staring at yourself in the mirror like some conceited daddy's girl. Here's a tip, I keep eyeliner in the drawer on the left, so at least next time you can actually look like you're doing something important."

I felt myself apologizing before I could stop myself, "I'm sorry, Ry."

"For what? It's obvious you wanted to get my attention. I'm not naïve Natalie. I heard you standing outside my door a few minutes ago. What did you want?"

"Um…I, um, I just…I just…I don't know. I hadn't seen you since dinner last night and, I don't know," I rambled. "I wanted to talk to you, or see if you're okay…I…I don't know why…I just…"

Ryan watched me with curiosity, before taking a few strides towards me. "Natalie, you were worried about me?"

"No!" I blushed. "I-"

"That's what you said," Ryan smirked. He stood in front of me, and I couldn't help but stare up at his lanky figure. "You said you wanted to see if I was okay because you hadn't seen me since dinner. You were worried about me because I wasn't at breakfast or lunch. Weren't you?"

My heart fluttered in my chest, "No…I…okay, maybe a little bit-"

"I thought so. Well, next time, if you want to get my attention, you don't have to sing a song."


	18. Ryan's Real Problem

"I may have been wrong about you, Natalie. I see what all the fuss is about you now."

Natalie's ears burned red. Ryan towered over her with a grin on his lips. At that moment, Ryan Ross infuriated her. How did he have the power to leave her so speechless? He let out a small laugh and headed back to his room. She watched him go, unsure of what to do next. She wanted to yell at him, ask him what the hell he meant. Natalie's feet followed him into his room.

"R-Ryan," her voice faltered. She was sure he had her right where he wanted her. She shut the door behind her and tried to sound stronger than she felt. "Ryan Ross."

"Yes, Natalie?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She stood in his room with her arms folded and waited for his response.

Ryan sat on his bed with his notebook. He took the cap off his pen with his teeth, "What do you mean by 'that'?"

"You understand the fuss about me and me not singing a song to get your attention."

"What do you think it meant?"

"I-I don't know."

Ryan sighed. Capping his pen, he got to his feet and walked towards her. "I guess I have to spell it out for you."

"Spell what out?"

Ryan reached for her waist. Natalie's head screamed for her to step away, but her body allowed him to rest his hands on her hips. He pulled her even closer to him. Her breath hitched in her throat. Ryan tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

"I meant that if you wanted my attention," Ryan suggested, "you can come straight to me. Don't sing my lyrics. Talk to me, Natalie."

Natalie let out a breath. "Ryan, I…"

"As for that fuss comment, I see why the guys like you."

"Why do the guys like me then?" She countered.

"Cause there's something in you," Ryan searched her face. "I see something more in you than just a waste of space."

Frustrated, Natalie rolled her eyes. "God, Ryan! I don't understand why you can't just say something genuinely nice to me. You say something nice, but then you follow up with something rude. I'm glad I'm more than 'a waste of space' to you. Maybe that's your form of a compliment or being nice. I don’t know. I just…what the hell did I do to you that was so wrong, huh? So I called you by your first name. Are you still mad about that?"

"No."

"Then what's your deal? We're going to be in close quarters on a damn tour bus. Whatever your problem is with me, you and I better solve it before we leave. Because this…this…it needs to stop."

"I agree."

"Okay, so then what's your problem with me? Why can't you give me straight compliments or just be nice to me like the other guys? Is it because I'm dating Brendon? Cause if it is, you can have him if that means you'll stop being an-"

Ryan stopped her lips before she could continue talking. His hands cradled her head, while he kissed her warmly. He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't take hearing her go on and on about his rude treatment of her. He was tired of the tension. His head and his heart were finally conversing properly and his body acted on it. He couldn't help but to smile, feeling more satisfied than he had in months. This is what his problem was. He wanted her. Between her past with abuse, an alcoholic family member, and her fiery spirit at times that was no doubt built from those experiences, Ryan wanted her. He saw part of himself in her, and that is what did it for him. That's what made him want her more than anything. That's what caused him to be rude to her at times and to push her away. He was hurting the one he loved. He'd never felt so immature. He didn't know how else to deal with his feelings for her.

Ryan snapped out of his thoughts when he felt pressure against his lips. Was she kissing him back? Natalie leaned in slightly. Her palms rested against his chest. His heart pounded. He attempted to kiss her deeper. He nipped at her bottom lip, hoping to give her comfort in having a choice. She could open her mouth and let him in. Her palms pushed against him. He'd gotten the wrong idea.

Natalie looked up at him, panic in her eyes. Her lips were rosy. She touched shook her head. "N-No."

"Natalie, I'm sorry. I just--"

"I…laundry…"

Ryan watched as Natalie ran to their bathroom. He fell backward onto his bed and ran a hand through his bangs. An uneasy breath left his throat. He'd done it now. He couldn't take that back. Thoughts ran through his mind like ideas for lyrics. Had she stopped him because she was uncomfortable with the kiss? Did she even like him the way she liked Brendon? He could still taste her Berry Blistex on his lips. He placed a pillow over his face, screamed into it, and rolled onto his side. Ryan threw the pillow against his wall.

"Way to go Ross. You pushed her away again."


	19. Coffee

Ryan kissed me. Ryan kissed me. I shut the bathroom door behind me and sat on my bed, my hand over my mouth. My mind was racing about what just happened between us. I felt terrible but at the same time really good. Ryan kissed me...but at the same time...I’d kissed him back. It wasn’t like I’d meant to do it. My body just sort of gave in to the feeling of his lips against mine, at the taste of him.

I bit my lip, “Ryan.”

His name tasted different than Brendon’s. Brendon’s lips, his name, it all tasted sweet and comfortable. It was like being safe. It was like being home. Ryan, on the other hand, tasted a little more complex. His name on my tongue was like something bitter yet satisfying, almost like dark chocolate. His lips were sobering like coffee. I wondered if it was because he had a broken past too that made him taste so good to me.

“Natalie!” I heard a soft knock on the door that separated us. “Natalie, please open up.”

My heart jumped into my throat at the thought of facing him. I saw him, just after he kissed me the way he did and me kissing him back, I don’t know what I would do...or what would happen between us. I shook the thought from my head. What was wrong with me? I was with Brendon.

“Natalie!”

I ran out of my room. My hand was still covering my mouth. My feet carried me down the hall to Brendon’s room. His door was open and I wandered inside. Brendon was sitting at his keyboard, his fingers gliding across the black and white keys while he hummed to himself. I closed his door behind me.

"Hey, doll!" Brendon looked up at me briefly, then did a double take. His smile quickly switched to a frown. "What's wrong? Why are you crying? What happened?"

I remained silent, my hand still on my mouth. I shook my head. I didn’t even realize I was crying.

"Natalie...Natalie, honey, you have to tell me what's wrong."

"Ryan."

Brendon gave a sigh, "What did he do now? Is he being rude? Dammit, did he call you 'Beta' again?"

"No...Brendon...please don't be mad at me." I sobbed.

"Why would I be mad at you? The only person I'll probably be mad at is Ryan. What did he do to you?"

"I went to check on him...he kissed me. I sang his lyrics, he said something smart, I yelled at him. Then, he...he kissed me. Brendon--"

My boyfriend started laughing. Not just a small laugh or a chuckle, but a deep laugh, like what I said was the funniest thing on the planet. When he noticed the look on my face, he corrected himself. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Ryan kissed you?”

I wiped my eyes with my thumb, "Right on the lips, Bren."

"Okay, so he kissed you on the lips. I'm sorry I laughed but, God, you made me think he did something bad to you. Not that kissing you against your will isn't bad. I just," he chuckled. "It's fine. I don't care. I'm not mad at you, or even Ryan for that matter. Are you okay though?"

"I-I don't know. It just came out of nowhere. He really meant it, too. It wasn't like a peck on the lips, it was this long kiss. Like he's wanted to do that for a while or something."

Brendon shrugged, "Well, he probably likes you. I mean, look at you, you're fucking gorgeous, doll. That would really explain that comment he made the other day at breakfast. I'm sure that kiss got it all out of his system."

"Maybe..." I wasn't sure about Ryan's behavior, or mine. I sighed, “I think I kissed him back too, Brendon.”

“Thank you for telling me, Natalie.”

“Are you...are you mad at me?”

“No. I kiss Ryan all the time. He’s a good kisser, Natalie. I’d be worried if you didn’t kiss him back.” He laughed a bit more, but I didn’t even crack a smile."Look, if it’s really bothering you this much, do you want me to talk to him?"

I shook my head, "No...I'm just going to try to let it go. I mean, he's probably just upset that I'm with you and not him and he acted on it."

"Probably," said Brendon. "He's a hard guy to read sometimes. Are you okay though?"

I took a deep breath, "Yeah. I'm sorry I bothered you with this."

"Hey, com'ere." Brendon reached for my hand and pulled me onto his lap. I looked down at him and he kissed my cheek. "Nothing you could do would bother me, okay?"

"Okay. Though, I'm sure if I shaved your head in your sleep or screamed in your ear or did something insane, it would bother you."

"Nope! Know why?" He leaned forward and kissed me. “Because I love you, Natalie.”

“I love you too, Brendon.”


	20. Keys

As if things between Ryan and I weren't bad enough after our kiss, Jon and Spencer thought it would be a great idea to send Ryan grocery shopping for the tour with me. Brendon and I were unfortunately dead asleep when this decision was made, so we couldn't veto that idea. I was sent with Ryan and the credit card to Target. The trip was spent with me calling off items and checking them off the list, while Ryan walked quietly beside me, placing items into the cart half-heartedly. I wouldn't have minded the entire trip, if it wasn't for the fact that when we got back, the guys were nowhere to be found. Of course, I wouldn't have minded that either if it wasn't for the fact that I accidentally locked the keys in the car.

Yes, today was just a lovely comedy of errors.

"You seriously locked the keys in the car?" Ryan shot me a dirty glance, his arms draped with plastic bags.

I touched the belt loop of my shorts one more time, feeling for the carabiner the keys were on. Unfortunately, they weren't there. Ryan read my face and sat in his hip.

"Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me."

Honestly, I think I'd done a good job today when it came to dealing with Ryan. I dealt with the silent car ride to the store. I grinned and bore it while he barely said a word in the store. Hell, I accepted the frigid drive back home. I'd put up with his shit today and I let it go. But being locked out of the house and the car with Ryan was too much. I bowed my head and wiped away a couple of tears. I couldn't be strong anymore. Some god thought sticking me in this fuckery with Ryan was hilarious.

I took a deep breath to calm myself. "It's an honest mistake. I locked the doors after I opened the hatch, then brought the keys around to the back. I put them down to pick up more groceries and headed for the front door. I thought you would have picked them up."

"Well, you thought wrong."

"Don't you have any extra keys, Ryan?"

"My keys to the car and the house are on the carabiner that's locked in the back of the car. Now, if you want house keys, call Spencer or your boyfriend. Otherwise we're stuck out here until they get back from Guitar Center."

Between this situation and his tone, I was really starting to lose my calm. "Why the fuck would they go to Guitar Center without you?"

"Because I know what I need and I plan in advance. I have extra strings, the tech guys know what I need, my amp is fine, my shit's handled. I can't speak for the other guys."

"Okay." I groaned and leaned my back against the front door. At least the things we bought were shelf-stable. Running my hand over my face, I tried to take another calming breath. "Do you guys have a hide-a-key somewhere?"

"No, Beta," said Ryan in his most condescending tone, "don't be stupid. Since we've gotten famous, we don't do hide-a-keys anymore for safety reasons."

That was it. I don't know what it was about Ryan, but he always said the right thing to make me lose it. I couldn't take it anymore. Before I could stop myself, I screamed, "So you think that just because your tour shit is handled, that you can get away with not being fucking helpful when it comes to shopping for the food that you're no-doubt going to shove down that condescending throat of yours?"

Ryan's head snapped towards me. I wasn't going to be intimidated by him this time. The grocery bags were on the ground, my arms were folded, and I was sitting sharply in my hip, daring him with my narrowed 'try me' eyes.

"Well, well, looks like Beta's got some bite."

I raised my hand and slapped Ryan across the face. "Fucking cool it, Ross. I'm seriously getting sick of your bullshit. I go on tour with you guys tomorrow. I thought that kiss would've gotten it out of your system but I guess I was wrong. And while we're talking about that kiss, you kissed me. Not the other way around. You have no fucking right to take that out on me. I don't get why you're so mad at me. I know you like me. I know you don't like me with Brendon, but I'm with him," I pointed my finger sharply at him, "and you're just going to have to chill the fuck out about it, cause there's nothing you do that will take me away from him. Okay? I'm not going to be your girlfriend. I'm just going to be your housekeeper and cook and laundry lady until we get on the road. Then, I don't know how that's going to work, but Spence, and Bren, and Jon, and I will fucking figure it out! And that's whether or not you agree! Goddammit, Ryan Ross!" My hands balled at my sides. I screamed and stomped my foot. "I'm so fucking sick of your shit!"

"Feel better?"

I turned to my left to see Jon and Brendon staring at me with eyes wider than Ryan's. Spencer had a satisfied yet approving smile on his face, his hands stuffed in his pockets. He looked proud of me.

"How...how long were you guys standing there?" I whispered.

"As soon as you whipped out that finger," Jon blinked.

Shifting my glance to Ryan, I noticed the look on his face. He flipped his hair out of his eyes. "You're right. I'm the one that kissed you. I'm the one that has feelings for you. I need to...let you go. I'm done, Natalie."

"You're 'done'?" I scoffed. "Done with what? Hazing me?"

"Yes."

"Done with trying to force kisses on me?"

Ryan opened his mouth and I had a feeling he was going to say something more than an affirmation. My breath caught in my throat. Had he realized that I kissed him back a bit that last time? Instead of saying anything, he nodded.

"Done with being a dick to me all the time and calling me 'Beta'?"

"Yes. I'll...I'll be nicer from now on. I'm done."


	21. Better and Broken

"I want to hire a private investigator."

Melissa put down a scrub brush she used to wash dishes, "What?"

"I want to hire a P.I." Jack continued to wipe a towel against the bowl in his hands. After it was dry, he placed it in the cabinet.

"First, that costs a lot of money. Second, what for?"

Jack folded his arms and leaned back against the kitchen counter. "'What for?' Don't you want to find our little sister?"

"Of course I want to find her! Don't you think I've already thought of a P.I.? But we can't do that. We just can't go looking for her right now."

"Why not?"

"Think about what you did to her. Do you really think she'd want to come back after what happened? Now, let's say she did come back, do you really think she'd stay? You're an alcoholic Jack, and I'll be damned if I let you near my sister again."

Jack held out his arms, "I'm practically sober now!"

"No, you're not Jack!" Melissa fired back. "Quitting an alcohol addiction can kill you, Jack. I'm literally weaning you off the stuff. I have to hide liquor bottles and watch your intake just so you can make sure you're down to two small drinks a day."

"I'm getting better, Melissa. Give me some credit."

Melissa sighed, "Look Jack, I'm proud of you. But I seriously don't want to go looking for Natalie right now, and bring her back to this uncertain environment."

"What's uncertain about this? I'm not drinking as much as before. Pretty soon, I'll be down to one a day, and then I'm not going to drink at all—"

"That's what you think. You're just starting this, Jack. You might slip up. Hell, you have in the past. What-what happens if Natalie's here and you're drunk? Huh? She'll just run away again."

"Melissa-"

"No, Jack. Not until it's safer, and that's final."

Jack turned around and, while gritting his teeth, kicked one of the bottom cabinets. He grabbed a nearby glass and threw it against the wall. Melissa watched her brother close his eyes and sink to the floor in tears. It was times like this that she realized she couldn't leave her brother, not until he was sober. As the middle child, she'd been caring for her brother and sister since her parents died. She couldn't imagine moving out and leaving her brother alone. She worried he would kill himself if she did. She worried he would drink too much and get behind the wheel and end up hurting someone. She worried that Natalie would come home one day and she wouldn't be there to protect her brother from drunkenly hurting her. Sighing, Melissa knelt down beside Jack and touched his shoulder.

"Jack, I'm sorry."

He shook his head, "I just want my baby sister back."

"I know. We both do."

"I'm getting my shit together. M'tryin. There's a chance coming up and they want me to play. I promise I'll stay sober, Melissa. Just trust me."

"I'm trying."

* * *

"No!"

Natalie winced as she thrashed around violently on her bed. Every now and then, she would scream, but mostly she would toss and turn.

"Stop!" She screamed. "No! Jack, stop!"

"No one should have to have to go through what she has gone through," Ryan sighed.

Jon entered the room, yawning loudly, "What's going on?"

Brendon, Spencer, and Ryan turned around, shushing him. Ryan, of course, was the first to wake up from her screams. Without a word, he crept into her room and stood beside her bed. He felt really sorry for her, especially after the way he treated her earlier that day. Spencer wandered in after a few moments; he was the only one who'd been awake long after she had gone upstairs. Brendon followed soon after, worried and startled from sleep.

"What time is it?" Spencer rubbed his eyes.

Ryan looked at the clock beside Natalie's bed, "Half after midnight."

"Why does she scream like that?" asked Jon, "Shouldn't we wake her?"

"Um...guys, I have to tell you something," sighed Brendon. "It's about Natalie."

"What about her?" Ryan whispered. "Is it about her brother, Jack?"

"Yeah. You know how she told us he hit her?"

Spencer's stomach dropped, "Yeah. Did something else happen to her?"

"Yeah," Brendon swallowed. He had to tell them. "Guys, she made me promise not to tell you, but I really think you need to know, especially you, Ryan."

"Me?" Ryan's eyebrows rose. "Why me?"

"Because you kissed her the other day."

"What?" Jon and Spencer snapped.

"Yeah. Dude couldn't control his feelings for my girlfriend, but that's not the point. The point is, you guys need to know that Jack..."

Ryan's heart began to pound. What did Jack do? He had a feeling but he didn't want to believe it.

"What'd he do, Brendon?" Spencer glanced between Natalie's sleeping form and his bandmate. "Was it worse than hitting?"

Brendon took a deep breath, "Oh, yeah. Guys, Jack got too drunk a lot and... Jack raped her."

"What?!" Jon yelled.

"Shh!" Brendon pointed at Natalie.

Spencer punched Ryan in the arm. "You fucking asshole."

"Ow!" Ryan recoiled, "What did I do?"

"Stupid jackass. And you've been treating her like—"

"Hold on. Sorry, but...he raped her?" Jon continued. "He's her brother! Isn't that—?"

"Incest?" Ryan finished. "Yes. God, and here I was kissing her against her will when this entire time she had been raped by her brother once."

"Three times," Brendon corrected.

"What?!"

Spencer pointed at Natalie and whispered, "Guys, shh! Three times? Brendon, are you fucking joking?"

"Why the hell would I joke about something like that? It's sick. She told me when I brought up her brother on our date night. You guys had gone to sleep and I just set up some snacks downstairs and we talked. She told me everything."

"No wonder she was so jumpy," Jon buried his face in his hands.

"Three times?" Ryan asked in disbelief.

Brendon folded his arms, "Yes, and those were the only times he was successful. She said he'd tried more than that."

"Oh my God! No wonder she's always screaming in her sleep. I was being so mean to her, I'm such a dick."

"Yes, you are," Jon and Brendon shot him a glare.

Spencer raised his fist and punched him in the arm again.

Ryan rubbed his arm, "Man, seriously, I need that to play tomorrow night! I'm sorry, okay. I didn't know."

"You need to calm down with whatever issue you have with her," said Brendon, "cause even if we break up, she's sure as hell not going back to the streets, let alone home."

Spencer gasped, "Home! Christ, no wonder she ran away."

"Yeah."

"I don't even know what to do with that. Guys, she ran away. She would rather risk her life on the streets of Vegas than be home with her brother and sister. Do you think he got her sister, too?"

"From what I understood her sister was...Jack...he would…." Brendon ruffled his hair.

Ryan rubbed his eyes, "Her sister was raped too?"

"More times than Natalie from what I gathered."

"We need to call the cops," Jon shook his head. "We need to wake Natalie up and—"

"NO!"

All four boys jumped. Natalie sat bolt upright, her hair a mess. She looked from Brendon and Spencer to Jon and Ryan.

"Guys," Natalie gripped her blankets. "What...why are you here?"

"Natalie, why didn't you tell us?" asked Jon.

"We need to call the police," said Spencer. "Natalie, what he did to you-"

Natalie narrowed her eyes at Brendon, "You told them? I trusted you!"

"Natalie, I'm sorry. The guys...it just slipped out...they needed to know."

"Brendon, I _trusted_ you! You know how hard that is for me. I trusted you!"

Jon placed his hands on the bed, "Natalie, it'll be okay."

Ryan stood up quietly and walked out of her room.

"Yeah, we're not mad, we're worried about you," Spencer said. "We care about you."

Natalie pushed her blankets away, "No, it's not okay! You guys weren't supposed to know. That was my secret to tell, Brendon!"

Brendon touched her hand, "Natalie, doll—"

"No! Don't touch me, Brendon, and don't call me 'doll'! I trusted you!"

Natalie's eyes grew blurry as she ran into her bathroom and locked the door behind her.

Spencer ran to the door and knocked on it while motioning for Jon to try the bathroom door on Ryan's side. "Natalie, please let me in. I didn't tell your secret. Don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you."

"Then let me in."

"No. Just leave me alone right now, okay? I'll talk to you all in the morning."

Jon ran back into the room. He placed his hands on his knees and tried to catch his breath, "Ryan's side...is locked too."

"Shit," said Brendon. "Natalie, I'm sorry. I had to tell them."

Natalie let out a sob, "No, you didn't. You could have come to me, and I would have told them. You _knew_ I was gonna tell them. You promised me that you wouldn't tell. You _promised_!"

Spencer and Jon turned to Brendon. Jon punched Brendon in his arm.

He cried out, "What's with everyone and punching people tonight, Jesus!"

"I know it's important that we knew about her past, but you know how Natalie is." Spencer pinched the bridge of his nose. "It was hard enough to gain her trust to get her to live with us. Things were just starting to settle down, and you go and break a promise to her."

"We're leaving for tour at two this afternoon," Jon faced Brendon. "You need to fucking fix this, man."

Brendon folded his arms, "How?"

"I don't fucking know man. I don't break my promises."

Spencer jumped between his bandmates before Brendon could retaliate. "Look, guys, let's just get some rest and we'll figure it out, okay? Jon?"

"Great," said Jon.

"Brendon?"

Brendon shook his head and held up his hands, "Okay."

"Wonderful."


	22. Bathtub

It was two in the morning when I heard a soft knock on the bathroom door.

"Go away..." A weak voice replied. I quickly realized it was mine.

"It's me."

Ryan's voice caused my heart to jump into my throat. I hesitated. What if Ryan wasn't alone? What if I opened the door and Brendon and the others were there?

"It's just me."

"Please...just go away."

Slowly, after a few rattles of the knob, the door opened. Ryan stood before me, hair a mess, eyes half open, in his pajamas.

I stared at him in shock. "I thought I locked that door."

"You did." Ryan ruffled his hair. "I have the skeleton key to this house. The guys thought I was most the most trustworthy with it or some bullshit."

"Why didn't you open it before?"

"Because you needed space. You and Brendon didn't need to discuss what he did right then. We're all tired and things only would've been made worse."

"Thank you." I felt myself smile. "That means a lot."

"You've gotta come out of here, okay?" Ryan whispered, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's, like, the middle of the night. The tour's in a few hours."

"I know," I whispered back.

He gestured at the door leading to my room. "Just go back to bed and we'll sort out all that crap when everyone is rested and thinking clearly."

I shook my head, "I'm not going back in there, especially when Brendon will probably—"

"Look, if you're not going back to bed, then I'm sleeping in here with you."

"Whatever," I scoffed.

Ryan walked back to his bed. I opened my mouth to ask him what he was doing when I saw him return with a blanket and two pillows.

"Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me."

He shrugged and tossed a pillow in the bathtub.

"Ryan."

"Get in the bathtub, Natalie."

"No!"

"Then go back to your room."

"No, again."

"Fucking Christ, Natalie," Ryan gripped his hair. His anger was more than apparent in his hushed tone. "It's late. I'm tired. Get in the damn bathtub and let's go to sleep. Okay?"

My throat felt tight. I placed my head in my hands and let out a sob. Ryan's arms wrapped around my shoulders. His soft shirt smelled like vanilla. He rested his chin on my head.

Ryan stroked my hair, "Don't cry, okay? Stop crying. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," I hiccuped. "I deserved that. I'm just so upset with Brendon."

"Let's just go to sleep."

"Ryan." I watched him climb inside the bathtub. "What are you doing?"

"Going to sleep. Trust me, it helps." Ryan stretched his long legs out in front of him inside the tub.

"Why are you so adamant about me sleeping in the tub?"

"Because...some nights, after my dad and I got into it, I'd sleep in the bathtub. It made me feel...I don't know...safe, I guess."

I went to the door and turned out the lights. The soft glow of the plug-in nightlight lit the room just enough for me to see my way back to the tub.

I stepped into the porcelain. "So where do I...?"

"Wherever you're comfortable."

That's when it happened. I found myself snuggling in next to Ryan. I knew I could have chosen to place my head on the other end of the tub where the faucet was, but lying with my head on his chest felt right. Ryan's arm went around my back. Our legs entwined, his right leg over my hip, my left leg between his legs. Our hips touched. Ryan covered us with blankets. It felt wrong, being this close to Ryan, but it felt right. It felt comfortable. All that was missing was us saying 'I love you'. We laid in silence for a moment before Ryan spoke up.

"Why did you leave?"

I frowned, "What do you mean?"

"I know your brother was abusing you and your sister, but what made you leave? I mean what made you decide that the day you left was the day?"

"Jack was drunk again and Melissa told me to run. I just...I felt this pain in my stomach. I just knew that that was my only chance to go. So I did."

"I'm glad you did," said Ryan. "I'm glad you're not back there. I'm worried about your sister though."

I looked up at him, "I used to be. But I have this feeling that she's okay. You know? She was always stronger than me. I think that's why she told me to run. She knew I couldn't take it anymore. She knew she could handle it before I could. It sounds like I'm terrible."

"No, it doesn't. I get what you mean. I'm sure your sister is helping him get better."

"I hope so. Jack needs help."

Things got quiet again and, for a moment, I thought Ryan had fallen asleep.

"Natalie?"

"Yeah, Ryan?"

"How did you survive out there?" he asked.

I shifted in his embrace, "What?"

"Vegas can be really scary. How did you survive out there?"

"I don't know. I really don't. I stayed hidden a lot. Moved around because I didn't want to be found. I was scared they'd send me to a women's shelter. I really didn't want to go there. I figured they'd find out about me having a home and send me back or they'd send Jack to jail, which he should go but at that point in time, I didn't want to go to court and have to testify against my drunk brother. It's silly and childish but, I don't know, Ryan. I just couldn't do it."

"I know," Ryan's hand stroked my hair.

"Occasionally, I'd find a soup kitchen or church that had good food and I'd eat and wash my face."

We both got quiet then. I didn't like to relieve my time on the streets and I could tell that I was making Ryan uncomfortable. I began to count the tiles on the walls with the hopes of falling asleep soon.

"I'm sorry I asked," said Ryan. "I know it brought up some things you'd rather not think about."

"I'm not sorry you asked. You deserve to know."

"Natalie?"

"Ryan?"

"I...nevermind. Just forget it."

"Tell me," I pressed.

"I was just going to say...goodnight."

"No, you weren't." I shook my head. "What were you going to say?"

Ryan hesitated for a moment, then replied, "I was going to say that I want to kiss you right now, but I can't. I promised I'd back off and leave you alone."

I felt myself leaning closer to him. I wanted to kiss him. To give him the satisfaction of having my taste on his lips for a moment. To satisfy my craving to have his lips on mine once again. But before I could do anything I would regret, I stopped myself.

"Don't tell Brendon, okay?" I said, settling back into Ryan's arms. "Don't tell him I—"

"What's there to tell?" Ryan ran his fingers up my back.

"I almost kissed you."

"Almost kissing isn't kissing."

I paused for a moment. He was right. "Let's just go to sleep, okay?"

"Okay."


	23. Little Talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last of the chapters written between 07/08/09/10

"Is everything okay?"

I looked up from my box of Mike and Ike's. Brendon stood in front of me expectantly. We'd loaded the bus an hour ago and hit the road after their first show in Vegas. Now we were headed toward another city, and I was trying to enjoy my first time away from my home.

"Yup," I said.

Ryan glanced up at me, then returned his attention to his magazine.

"Okay, Natalie." Brendon rubbed the back of his neck. "Just wanted to make sure. I'm gonna go to bed. Want to join me?"

"I'll go back in a bit."

He kissed my cheek and headed toward the back of the bus. I caught Ryan's eye again. After we'd slept in the bathtub things had been awkward. I'd left the bathroom in a hurry the next morning, worried that they'd come in on us together. We never spoke of it.

"What'd you think of the show?" asked Ryan.

I squeezed a green piece of the chewy candy between my fingers. "You guys were great. The stage dancers were great. Just the whole atmosphere was really cool."

"Just great and cool, huh?"

"Yup."

Of course, I was lying. The whole thing was spectacular. The boys' performance was unbelievable, the crowd was nicely sized. Everything just made me really happy that I knew them. I felt lucky that I got to experience the show and the tours if this was a sign of things to come.

"She's not easily impressed," Jon walked past. "We've changed her."

"Not really," I said. "I've seen Jack perform a few times. Of course, he didn't get crowds that big, but it's nothing surprising."

I was lying again. It was surprising. The venue was packed with fans eager to see the boys. As for Jack, he was an excellent player, but no one wanted him. He played solo in half-full rooms. Occasionally he'd be with a band but that never lasted long. They'd always find his drinking to be an accountability and would quickly cut him loose.

"Why don't you go to bed with your boyfriend?" asked Ryan, his voice hushed. "Spencer's half asleep, Jon's calling it in. It's just us."

I looked behind Ryan at Spencer, who was snoring loudly on the couch. I contemplated wiping his stage makeup off with one of my Ponds wipes. Poor guy looked really tired. Hell, all of us were.

"Go to bed, Natalie."

"I'm fine. I'll go to bed when I'm ready. You're not my keeper."

"True. I'm also not the one avoiding my boyfriend."

My stomach tightened. "I'm not avoiding Brendon."

"Had me fooled," scoffed Ryan.

I threw a Mike and Ike at him.

"Don't get mad at me. Go talk to him. You had a right to be upset but you really shouldn't be _this_ mad at him. It was going to come out eventually. The rest of us made good with him. Yeah, he broke a promise and told us something _you_ should have told us. But he didn't do it out of malice."

"Whose side are you really on?"

"I'm on the side of what is best for you."

"What if he's not what's best for me? What if—"

"Don't do that." Ryan gazed out the window.

"Do what?"

"Brendon...he loves you. The kid isn't tactful when he talks. I keep telling him he needs to be careful."

"That's not an excuse."

"I'm not saying it is, and I'm not telling you to get over it." He sighed and looked at me again. "I'm just saying you need to talk to him. You haven't even been together a month. Don't be stupid. You love him and he loves you. Go back there and talk to him. Work your shit out. And next time don't hide things from all of us."

I made a face and got to my feet. Ryan was right. Ryan was always right and I hated that. I walked towards the back of the bus and moved the sliding door to the bunks. Brendon laid on the bottom left bunk in his boxers, one hand behind his head, the other clicking through his phone. I scratched my head, then ran my fingers through my hair. How was I going to start this conversation.

"Hey, Nat." He rested his phone on his chest. "What's up?"

Brendon didn't seem upset or mad. The more I thought about it, he wasn't upset or mad most of today.

"Can we...talk?" I tucked my hands in my pockets. "About this morning or last night or whatever."

"Yeah." He rolled out of the bunk and stood before me. "But before you start, can I speak first?"

"Sure."

"I wanted to say that I get why you were mad. I promised you I wouldn't say anything to the guys and I did. But you've been screaming in your sleep a ton, and the guys wanted to know why. We were about to leave on tour. I just," he sighed. "I'm sorry, Natalie. I know how hard it was for you to trust each of us and how wrong I was for breaking that trust. I just hope we can move past this cause I really love you."

"Oh my God!" Jon cried.

I jumped. I didn't even see him up in the top right bunk, but there he was. He'd pushed the tiny privacy curtain aside and peered down at us with narrowed eyes.

"Oh my God! Can you just forgive him? I want to go to bed and I can't with you two professing your love and apologies. I'm sorry but I'm tired as hell and I won't let you two keep me up late again."

"Brendon, I forgive you." I blurted. "I should have said something to the guys sooner." In actuality, I should have said something to the guys when Ryan noticed me screaming in my sleep. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I'm sorry, too. It was stupid."

"Hallelujah! Goodnight!" Jon pulled the curtain back across his bunk and grumbled. "Fucking with my sleep schedule..."

Brendon and I laughed quietly and stepped closer to each other. After a kiss, Brendon pulled me into him. I sighed. I missed him more than I thought I did.

"I'm glad you forgave me," he said. "I missed you."

"It was only a day," I reminded.

"I know."

"Well, I missed you too, Bren."

"I'm tired. Why don't you take Spencer's bunk, and let's go to bed, okay?"

"Okay."


End file.
